Speeding Fred, MD,DDS,VD
A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the
posted speed limit. So he asks the man his name.
- “Fred,” he replies.
- “Fred what?” the officer asks.
- “Just Fred,” the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
- “Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?”
- “Well, It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. A rather funny last name, and the kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor! I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. But after a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
Well, I was doing quite well as a dentist, but then I started fooling around with my assistant, and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am just plain Fred.”
The officer walked away in tears, laughing...
Instructions for Washing the Cat
1. Add one capful of shampoo to the water in the toilet.
Put both lids up.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. Never mind
the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
4. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “power-wash” and “rinse”.
5. Have someone open the door to the outside. Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly
lift both lids.
7. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet,
and run outside where he will dry himself off. The toilet will be sparkling clean!
The 2008 Collection # 1.
Feeding your the anti baby pill.
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth, and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm while holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pills not harmful to humans; drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from the neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to
wash pill down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers, forearm, and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for ASPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
Irish - Scottish........ at it’s very best
A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care ward, put in a bed, tubes coming out everywhere. A week later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition.
Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking etc. a couple more weeks before one of them had the strength to raise his hand and point to himself and say: "Scottish."
The other signaled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said: "Irish." This act tired them out so badly it was a week before the first summoned up the strength to say: "Glasgow." Again the second replied in a weedy frail voice: "Dublin."
Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out. Days passed before the first man managed to again point to himself and say: "Jimmy." Replied the other: "Paddy."
A few hours later, Jimmy managed to point to himself again and rasp out weakly: "Cancer.".......... After a while, Paddy responded: "Taurus."
Curtain rods … with a happy end.
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the X-husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house e began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. But…. nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving
company pack everything to take to their new home,.................including the curtain rods.
Darla's doctor visit
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor, and the doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
- "It's my daughter Darla, doctor… she keeps getting these cravings… she's putting on weight… and for months she has been sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says,
-"Well, I don't know how to tell you this mrs. Jones, but your Darla is pregnant…
in her ninth month, would be my immediate guess."
- "Pregnant?!… She can't be!… she has never ever been leftalone with a man! Have you, Darla?"
- "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out of it. About five minutes pass, and finally the mother says, - "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
- "No… no, not really Mrs. Jones… but I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!… you see… the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. "
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde
employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?" The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.
Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. “Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?” “OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?” Again, no one knows why.
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Never buy men bathrobes. Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn’t have invented Jockey shorts.
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I’m told they do not stink - they are earthy.
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. “Socks. Shorts. Cups. saucers. Door. Lock. Sink.” You get the idea. No one knows why. (ABSOLUTELY TRUE!!)
Never buy a man anything that says “some assembly required” on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. No one knows why.
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men’s stores.) It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know what it is. (”From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn’t this a starter for a ‘68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! thanks.”)
Men enjoy danger. That’s why they never cook - but they will barbecue. (No one knows why) Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. “Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?”
Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to “A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts.” Everyone knows why.
Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don’t know why - please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
It’s hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8? manila rope. No one knows why.
Once upon a time........
..........a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life was, of course “perfect.”
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a SUV) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.... who was the survivor?
The perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving..... and, of course, this explains why there at all was an accident.
The Blonds and the Christmas tree
There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, “I’m chopping down the next tree I see. I don’t care whether it’s decorated or not!”
The wise old Mother Superior was dying. The nuns were gathered around
her bed. She asked for a little warm milk to sip, so a nun went to the
kitchen to warm some milk. Remembering a bottle of whiskey received as
a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous
amount into the warm milk.
Mother drank a little, then a little more, then before they knew it,
she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. “Mother, Mother”
the nuns cried, “Give us some wisdom before you die!” She raised
herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and pointing out the
window she said, “Don’t sell that cow!!!”
A teacher in upstate New York asked her class how many of them are Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all of the kids raised their hands except little Johnny. The teacher asked little Johnny why he decided to be different. Little Johnny said, "I'm simply not a Bush fan." The teacher said, "Why aren't you a Bush fan?" Little Johnny said, "I'm a Hillary Clinton fan." The teacher asked why he'd be a Hillary Clinton fan. Johnny replied, "Well, my mom's a Hillary Clinton fan and my dad's a Hillary Clinton fan, so I'm a Hillary Clinton fan!" The teacher is getting kind of angry now, so she demands, "What if your
mom was a moron and your dad was a complete blithering idiot, what would
that make you?" Little Johnny sighs and says, "Well, of course, that would
make me a Bush fan."
Blonde Financial Problems
A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note.
I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do
this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a
plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the
park at 7 A.M.
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag with the cash was the following note:
Here is your money. I cannot believe that one
blonde would do this to another."
to be a law against this
• Ah Tink Yu Fa Ni!: “You have a good sense of humour!”
• Ai Bang Mai Ne: “I bumped my knee into the coffee table”
• Ai No Pei: “I got this for free”
• Chin Tu Fat: “Have you considered a face lift?”
• Dum Gai: “A stupid or dumb person”
• Dung On Mai Shu: “I stepped in shog dit”
• Fat He: “An unattractive person”
• Gun Pao Der: “An ancient Chinese invention”
• Hao Long Wei Ting: “When is the bus due?”
• Hia Dei Kum: “They have arrived”
• Hu Flung Dung: “Which one of you fertilised the field?”
• Hu Yu Hai Ding: “Are you harbouring a fugitive?”
• Jan Ne Ka Sun: “A former late night talk show host”
• Kum Hia Nao: “I'd like to talk to you ASAP”
• Lao Ze: “Not very good”
• Lao Ze Sho: “Obnoxious Fiance”
• Lei Ying Loh: “Keep out of sight”
• Lei Tsho: “Midnight television programme”
• Lin Ching: “An illegal execution”
• Ming Toy: “Plaything belonging to ancient emperor”
• Moon Lan Ding: “One small step for man”
• Ne Ahn: “A lighting fixture used in advertising signs”
• No Bai Nut Ding: “Your price is too high”
• Noh Pah King: “Tow-away zone”
• Noh Tsmo King: “Cigarettes are hazardous to health”
• Noh Wei Ding: “Keep out of the pond”
• Shai Gai: “A bashful person”
• Shu Man Go: “Your body odour is offensive”
• Sum Ting Wong: “That's not right”
• Tai Ni Bei Bi: “A premature infant”
• Tai Ni Po Ni: “A small horse”
• Ten Ding Ba: “Serving drinks to people”
• Wan Bum Lung: “A person with TB”
• Wah Shing Kah: “Cleaning the family car”
• Wai Go Nao: “Do you really have to leave?”
• Wai So Dim: “Who turned off the light?”
• Wai Tu Soon: “A man ahead of his time”
• Wai Yu Kum Nao: “I thought the meeting was next week”
• Wai Yu Mun Ching: “I thought you were on a diet?”
• Wai Yu Shao Ting: “There is no reason to raise your voice”
• Wai Yu Sing Dum Song: “You know the lyrics to the Macarena?”
• Wai Yu So Tan?: “Did you go to the beach?”
• Yu Mai Te Tan: “Your vacation in Hawaii agreed with you”
• Yu So Dim: “You aren't very bright”
• Yu Stin Ki Pu: “Your body odour is offensive”
A few Chinese phrases for beginners
......or onwards to