The 2008 Collection # 2.
Nine Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is, pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V.. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5. When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No, Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya, Sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, it couldn't be new.
8. When people say 'Life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came, would I be standing here, dumbass?
At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that hernew but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and theexpected 'knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opensand there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go tosleep.
After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more 'action.' Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it..... Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action.' And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good
once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.'
Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says: .......'You mean I was here already?'
The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old,
senior moments have advantages.
Ray & Bubba were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. Ray shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a woman! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!" Bubba and Ray are currently working for the government.
In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney (CBS) thinks
about women over 40:
As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
1. A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.
2. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.
3. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they
think they can get away with it.
4. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
5. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.
6. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
7. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
8. Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
And then the fight started....
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.? She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'And then the fight started.....
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'.... And then the fight started.....
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and she said to me, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' Well, then I replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect my dear.'....And then the fight started....
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'
St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'
'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'
'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'
St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands
have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire
'Where's President Bush's clock?' asked the man.
'Bush's clock is in Jesus' office.
The President Bush Clock
XXX RATED RIDDLES
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. Do you know how sheep farmers practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q.What is the difference between ' ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: About 45 pounds (Between boyfriend and husband it´s a bit more.)
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: Beer belly and some 45 minutes.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!
A Day on the Job for St. Peter IX
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be"The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren." And *poof*, she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and *poof*, she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks
"Sara Pipalini", replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says. "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
- Darla's doctor visit
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor, and the doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
- "It's my daughter Darla, doctor… she keeps getting these cravings… she's putting on weight… and for months she has been sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says,
-"Well, I don't know how to tell you this mrs. Jones, but your Darla is pregnant…
in her ninth month, would be my immediate guess."
- "Pregnant?!… She can't be!… she has never ever been leftalone with a man! Have you, Darla?"
- "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out of it. About five minutes pass, and finally the mother says, - "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
- "No… no, not really Mrs. Jones… but I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!… you see… the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. "
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until theystopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?" The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr,
Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. “Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?” “OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?” Again, no one knows why.
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Never buy men bathrobes. Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn’t have invented Jockey shorts.
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I’m told they do not stink - they are earthy.
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. “Socks. Shorts. Cups. saucers. Door. Lock. Sink.” You get the idea. No one knows why. (ABSOLUTELY TRUE!!)
Never buy a man anything that says “some assembly required” on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. No one knows why.
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men’s stores.) It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know what it is. (”From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn’t this a starter for a ‘68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! thanks.”)
Men enjoy danger. That’s why they never cook - but they will barbecue. (No one knows why) Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. “Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?”
Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to “A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts.” Everyone knows why.
Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don’t know why - please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
It’s hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8? manila rope. No one knows why.
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life was, of course “perfect.”
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a SUV) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Who was the survivor?
The perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was an accident.
There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, “I’m chopping down the next tree I see. I don’t care whether it’s decorated or not!”
The wise old Mother Superior was dying. The nuns were gathered around her bed. She asked for a little warm milk to sip, so a nun went to the kitchen to warm some milk. Remembering a bottle of whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generou amount into the warm milk.
Mother drank a little, then a little more, then before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. “Mother, Mother”the nuns cried, “Give us some wisdom before you die!” She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and pointing out the window she said, “D o n’t s e l l t h a t c o w!”
How To Install A cheap Home Security System:
1.Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's work boots size 14-16 (used)
2.Place them in the front porch, along with a copy of Gun And Ammo Magazine.
3.Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine
4.Leave a note on your door that reads:
Big Jim, Duke, Slim, and I gone for more ammunition.
Will be back in one hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls--
they attacked the mailman this morning and messed
him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it, but
it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked
all of the dog's in the house. Better Just wait outside
until we can get back.
Duck and Cover
A duck walks into a pub and orders a schooner of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hey! You're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working", said the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".
"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck. Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!"
"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus", says the barman.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again.
"Yes" says the barman
"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.
"Yeah" the barman replies.
"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.
"Of Course" the barman replies.
"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck looks confused.
"What the f%$#k would they want with a plasterer?!!"
"Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it."
Postman Pat's Last Day
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his round, he was greeted by the whole family, who hugged and congratulated and sent him on his way with a check for $100. At the second house they presented him with an 18-carat gold watch. The people at the third house handed him a bottle of 15 year old scotch.
At the fourth house he was met by a dumb blonde in her nightie. She took him upstairs to the bedroom where she gave him the most mind blowing sex he had ever had. When they finished they went downstairs and she made a full English breakfast and poured him a cup of coffee, as she was pouring the coffee Pat noticed that sticking out from under the saucer was a five dollar bill.
Pat said "Well all this is just too wonderful for words, but what's the fiver for".
"Well," said the dumb blonde "last night I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you, so I asked him what I should give you." and he said "F@$%k him! Give him a fiver."
Then she smiled shyly and said, "But the breakfast was all my idea".
What A Coincidence...
A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says " How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.
"What a coincidence." says the man.
They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence." says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks." he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said.
Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon inTexas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States.
......or onwards to