The patented  BRANDULPH Home Security system
1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's work boots, size  14-16  
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.  
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines. 
4. Leave a note on your door that reads: 
Hi buddy!

Bubba, Big Jake, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer.
Be back in about an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.
... and for good measure, make a recording
  of some fierce dog barking. Place a speaker behind your door, and let the CD/Tape recording be  operated by an IR sensor.