- My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
- When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
- My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
- I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!
- I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, -"Wait till it gets warmer."
- When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
- I went to see my doctor and told him, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
- My psychiatrist told me, -"You're going totally crazy." I told him, -"If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, -"All right. You're very ugly too!"
- I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
- When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look!, twins!"
- And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with!
- My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror
- When I was born the doctor said to my father, -"I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."
- When I was a kid, I was kidnapped once. The kidnappers sent my parents a note that said, -"We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."
- When I played in the sandbox, the cats kept covering me up.
- One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.
- I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
- Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, -"Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, -"I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."
- I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up when a blind man was reading my face.
- I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
- My wife made me join a bridge club. I am scheduled to jump off next Tuesday.
- One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."
- My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
- My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
- One time I called the wallet service to pick up my trousers for ironing. The bellboy came and picked up my wife. They brought her back ten minutes later saying they were unable to get out all the wrinkles! (My wife, by the way, kisses our dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!)
- My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
- My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- The other day my wife was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" -"No," she answered, " but I got the license plate."
- I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
- Last night I met my wife at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. It was she that was coming home. (To tell you a secret… If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.)
GIRLS, FRIENDS, SPORT, DOGS AND LIFE
- I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
- I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
- I met a girl so ugly last night. The last time I saw a mouth like hers, I was out fishing.
- Life is just a bowl of pits.
- I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
- I have a friend who is gay. He went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
Rodney Dangerfield was of course also one of my absolute favourites. A born comedian with a huge talent, and I have on this page collected a number of his hilarious gags and one liners. Lean back and laugh your eyes out!