A few short ones.

- Real men don't waster their hormones growing hair.
- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- No one ever says -It's only a game - when their team is winning.
- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
- If I throw a stick, will you leave?
- Remember, half the people in the world are below average.
- I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!
- Jesus loves you. It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.
- 911?... nooo… I can't dial 911… ‘cause there's no 11 on my phone.
- Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
- If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
- Nice perfume… have you marinated in it?
- As I said before, I never repeat myself
- Well… clones are people two.
- Me?... ambivalent?... well… you could say both yes and no.
- I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
- You never really learn to swear until you learn to play golf.
- Stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
- Stress is when you wake up screaming… before you fall asleep.
- Three out of four people have trouble with fractions.
- Don't worry… I forgot your name, too!
- Any dog is better than any cat… period!
- Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but you abuse the privilege.
- No!... I am not anti-social... I just don't like you.
- What's that ugly thing growing on your neck... Oh!... jeez... it's your head!
- Oh I'm sorry, did your parents drop you often when you were a baby?