___More "adult ones" from Barbara, my next door neighbour...
Do you know
why dogs lick their
are able to.
A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he’s referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, -“I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...’’
He is interrupted by the doctor. - “And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?”
-“Yes! Exactly! How did you know?”
-“Well I am the world’s greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes”.
Two weeks go by and the man is back. -“Well, how do you feel?” the doctor asked.
-“Doc, I’m a new man! I feel great! I haven’t had a headache since I started this treatment! I can’t thank you enough. And by the way, you have a lovely home.”
In a bar in Scotland, McGreggor, a Scottish old timer is talking to a young man:
-"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Noooo!.." And then the McGreggor gestured at the bar.
-"Look here at the bar, Lad. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..." McGreggor then took a sip from his pint before he turned and points out the window.
-"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea.. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo... nooo they don't call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder" Then the Scottish old timer looks around nervously, evidently trying to make sure no one is paying attention...... -"But ya fuck ONE single goat . . . "
A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, -"I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up."
The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. -"I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal"
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, -"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, -"Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."
A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, -"You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, -"How did you do over the weekend?" -"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles
...and told them this is your brain before drugs and this is your brain after drugs." -"That's admirable," said the judge.
-"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
-"156 people!... That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!"
-"Well, I used a similar approach. I said this is your asshole before prison, and this ......."
Bruce comes home one day and says to, Don, his lover, -"Please do me a favor, Don. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?" Don lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, -"I don't feel anything, Bruce."
-"Trust me, there's something up there,"Bruce says. "Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out."
So Don lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.
-"I found your problem, Bruce!. There was a watch stuck up your ass!"
And then Bruce starts singing, -"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
One night a man was getting very drunk in a pub. He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his prick out as he went in the door. However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on the can, "This is for ladies!" she screamed. The drunk waved his dick at her and said "So is this!"
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 10 Miles. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 5 Miles and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution Next Right, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks -"What may we do for you, my son?" He answers, -"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
-"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door,and tells the man, - "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup.This nun instructs, -"Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup, and trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
Go in Peace, You Have Just Been Screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.