Michael got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. -"Fred... say… how did that pig get him a wooden leg?" -"Well Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!" -"And the boar tore up his leg?" -"No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!" -"So that's when he hurt his leg, Fred?" -"No, Michael, he was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out 'fore I drowned. Sure did save my life there for the second time!" -"And that was when he hurt his leg?" -"Oh no, he was fine… and it cleaned him up, too." -"OK, Fred, so just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?" -"Well, Michael, you know, when you have a Pig like that, you're not gonna eat all at once!"
My German friend, Heinz, called a weight loss company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program a few weeks back.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, Heinz weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. Not surprising! Heinz calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads,"If you catch me you can have me".
Well, Heinz is out the door and after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and Heinz does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, Heinz discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised, so he decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program -"Are you sure?" asked the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous Program!" -"Absolutely," Heinz replied, "I haven't felt this good in years!"
The next day there's a knock at the door, and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, -"If I catch you, old fart, your ass is mine!"
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, -'Are these plates clean, grandpa?' -'They're as clean as cold water can get 'em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!' For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, -'Are you sure these plates are clean, grandpa?' -'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!' Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. -'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'. Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, -'Coldwater! Go lay down now, yah hear me!'
The 2014 Collection # 1.
The 2014 Collection # 1.
but how about checking out some older Brandulph stuff ? ENGLISHNORSK
More to come!
Two old guys, one 90 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 90 year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 87 year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 90-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread everyday. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home the 87-year-old stops at thebakery. As he was looking around the lady asked if he needed any help: -"Thank you, yes miss. Do you have any rye bread?" -"Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" - "I want five loaves." -"My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the second loaf, it'll be hard." - "I can't believe it!... everybody knows about this shit but me!"
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer. Two people show up. One is a golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid twenties. The circus owner tells them, -"I'm not going to sugar coat it! He is mean! Here's your equipment: A chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try first?" -"I'll go first!" The girl says, as she walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and charges at her. About halfway, she throws open her coat revealing her naked body. The lion stops, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick her body for several minutes and rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's jaw is on the floor as he says, -"I've never seen a display like that in my life!" He then turns to the old golfer and asks, -"Can you top that?" -"No problem!” the golfer answered, “Just get that lion out of there!"
FREE PUPPIES Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie. 423 658 912
And here are a few "teacher to student" ones:
-"Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?" -"No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook."
-"Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?" -"No, sir. It's the same dog." (I want to adopt this kid!)
-"Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? -"A teacher, sir."
But, at least he was lucky with the weather!
"It doesn't matter who people vote for. they always vote for us."
Josef Stalin said that, I have been told, but in todays "democracies", the wording seems to fit any party or ruler.
"It doesn't matter who people vote for. they always vote for us."
Three friends married women from different parts of the world..... The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Scotland (She was actually originally from Tromsø in Norway) . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot food on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher… but he still has some difficulty when he urinates.
Three different women
Old Mrs. Henson, who had just turned 85, went to the doctor complaining of being extremely cold on the inside of her thighs. -"It s perfectly normal at your age, Mrs. Henson." says the doctor. -"Fair enough," answered Mrs. Henson, "but my husband, Ole, gets so easily ear infection."
SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE
AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON
WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED,
-"HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"
THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I
NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."
A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID,
-"WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED
SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.
THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR, NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE
BLOWN OFF, STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHIN
WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER,
STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO
BACK INTO THE SALOON. THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK
MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED
BOTH HAMMERS. THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE
THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY. THE YOUNG
GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND
VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD
WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND
THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.
THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD
WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHEQUIETLY SAID,-"SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED
A MULE'S ASS?"
THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, -"NO M'AM... BUT...
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO."
THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid...
I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
-"Give me 3 packets of condoms, please." -"Do you need a paper bag with that,sir?" -"Nah... She's purty good look'n "
Oh shit... I've got to get off the booze
-“Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain!”
Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours. - "Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour!" As soon as he turns off the light, she grabs his dick and says, - "Darling! That's Gorgonzola!" - "Wait, Honey... it is not on yet!"
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when a voice cried out, -"Jesus is watching you!” The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. He looked around frantically, and then, in a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage with a parrot. -"Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" -"Yes, I did." The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, before asking, - "And, what's your name?" -"Clarence," -"That's a dumb name for a parrot… what idiot named you Clarence?" -"The same idiot who named his Rottweiler, Jesus,"
Okey, I'm not a bloody Rottweiler, but I bet you won't feel the difference!
An old Texas cowboy counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning. The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.