The 2012 Collection # 4.
The 2012 Collection # 4.
but how about checking out some older Brandulph stuff ?
More to come!
- It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
- One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.
- The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.
- Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
- Women blink twice as often as men.
- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
- Females will be finished reading and pondering over these most interesting facts by now, but males are still busy checking their thumbs.
When George Burns turned 97 years old, he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey.
- “Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working, and at your age I think that is remarkable.”
- ”I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it, Ms. Winfrey”
- “I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.”
- “Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it.”
- “I have never been with an older man. Would you do it with me?”
- “You bet maam,” George said, and so they had sex.”
- “I just don't believe I have ever been so satisfied, George, you are indeed a most remarkable man!”
- “The second time is even better than the first time, maam! ”
- “You can really do it again at your age?”
- “Yes, maam, just let me sleep for half an hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my pecker in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes.” When she woke him up, they had great sex again, and Oprah was beside herself with joy.
- “Oh, Mr. Burns, George, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and make it even better than the first time. At your age… Oh My!... are you good!”
- “Well, maam, I’m even better the third time. You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my pecker in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes.”
- “Does my holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries, George?”
- “No, Ms. Winfrey, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet.”
A skinny little Irishman enters an elevator, looks up, and sees this huge black guy standing next to him. The big guy looks down at Paddy and notices that he is staring at him, so he says,
- “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 6 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.” Paddy’s eyes rolls back, he faints and falls to the floor.The huge black gut kneels down and brings him to by shaking him a bit, saying,
- “What's wrong with you?” Paddy looked up at him, still with wide staring eyes, saying,
- “What did you say to me?”
- “Well, little guy, I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions
everyone always asks me… I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh
3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.”
- “Turner Brown?!... oh, me God!... I thought you said, turn around!
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under
a tree when one turns to the other and says:
- 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're
about my age. How do you feel?'
- 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
- 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
- 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. A nurse found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down she asked him if his wife was meeting him. - 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. -'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
-'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
-'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?'
-'No, I can remember it.'
-'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so
as not to forget it?'
-'Nooo… I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
-'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that… write it down?'
-'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream… I got it!... for goodness sake!' he answered a bit irritated.
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment, before saying, -'Where's my toast ?'
Three old guys are out walking and the following conversation between them was overheard:
-'Windy, isn't it?'
-'No, it's Thursday!'
-'So am I… Let's go get a beer!'
A man was telling his neighbor, -'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's the state of the art… It's perfect!'
-'Really,' answered the neighbor, 'What kind is it?'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, -'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
-'Yeah, Doc… just doing what you said… Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'
- 'I didn't say that, Morris... I said, you've got a heart murmur so be careful.'
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, -'Crushed nuts?' -'Noooo,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
A fine collection of "words of wisdom"
1) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a
2) The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
3) The first two years of their life, children are taught how to walk and talk. The
next sixteen, to sit down and shut up.
4) He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame. (In Uganda they say: “He who smiles when he wakes up, staring straight into an elephants ass, is a fool.”
5) My mother never realized the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
6) Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed
regularly, for the very same reason.
7) I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.
8) Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
9) If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
10) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
11) I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike
and asked for forgiveness.
12) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you
hear them speak.
13) We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.
14) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my
desk, I have a work station.
15) I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me.
After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
16) How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to
start a campfire?
17) I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
18) A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
19) I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
20) The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
21) Good girls are bad girls that never get caught. Or in other words there are two
kind of women; the bad women and the bed women
22) Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
23) Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
24) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls
25) Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity,
they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them
26) God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
27) I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
28) Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
29) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a
bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
30) Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
31) Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat
them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will
have the element of surprise.
32) Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
33) We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
34) A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will
look forward to the trip.
35) Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
36) Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others... whenever they go.
37) I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a
great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
38) I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
39) War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left.
A Wisconsin farmer named Ole had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot attorney questioned him thus: -"Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'”
- "Vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, ... "
- "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'"
- "Vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin' down da road.... " The lawyer interrupted again and said,
- "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole’s answer and said to the attorney,
A bag woman is a woman so ugly that you have to put a bag
over her head before you take her to bed.
I went into the pharmacy to buy a box of condoms.
-"Would you like a bag?," asked the Manager.
-"Nah bro" I replied, "She ain't that ugly."
-"She was a two-bag-woman!"
-"A two-bag-woman? What's that, Harry?"
-"That, Marvin, is when you put a bag over your head as well,
just in case her bag rips open."
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" , and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop."
The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars."
The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup.
The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars."
The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money.
The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet."
The man said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done."
A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks,
-"Is your date running late?"
-"No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.."
-"A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?" the intrigued woman says,
-"It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
-"What"s it telling you now?"
-“Well, it says you"re not wearing any panties."
-"Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" the woman giggles and replies.
The cowboy then smiles, taps his watch and says, -"What d'ya know! The damn thing's an hour fast."