The 2012 Collection # 3.
The 2012 Collection # 3.
but how about checking out some older Brandulph stuff ?
More to come!
A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum walked up to him:
-"Could you please give me two dollars, sir?"
-""Will you buy booze?"
-"No, sir... I don't drink, sir!"
-"Will you gamble it away?"
-"No, sir, I don't gamble, sir!"
-"Will you spend it on hookers?"
-"Oh, no sir! I do not associate with loose women, sir! No, sir!"
-"Will you come home with me then, so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble, nor pick up a hooker from time to time?"
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, -"I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." Our wasted friend then asked, -"Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
-"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, -"Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, -"I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." -"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a bitch!" she screamed. -"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
J. Paul Getty
A man explained inflation to his wife thus:'When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you're 42-42-42. There's more of you, but you are not worth as much.'
An elderly retired Swede, Fritjof Carlsson, was visiting his doctor.
- “Your health is fine, Carlsson. You'll live to be ninety!”
- “But, doctor, I am already ninety years old right now!?”
- “See, Carlsson, what did I tell you!”
A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Two elderly people living in Fort Myers, he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the Clubhouse.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her,
-'Will you marry me?' After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, - 'Yes. Yes, I will!'
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?'
He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired,
-'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?'
He was delighted to hear her say, -'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor in Bonita Springs, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress nodded and asked him kindly,
-'No!' he replied, 'hemorrhoids!”
A man was telling his neighbor in Coral Springs just bought a new hearing aid.
- “It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.”
- “Really.... What kind is it?”
- “Twelve thirty.”
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks,
- “Are you a stranger here?”
- “I lived here years ago.”
- “So, where were you all these years?”
- “In prison,”
- “Why did they put you in prison?” He looked at her, and very quietly said,
- ”I killed my wife.”
- ”Oh!” she said, before adding with a friendly smile “So you're single?!”
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It got so cold it froze up and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As it lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the little bird singing, and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out-and then ate him.
Now to the morals of the story:
1. Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3. When you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
A lesbian dinosaur, recently discovered, has been named, “Lickalotapusses”.
A gay male dinosaur, recently discovered, has been named, “Megasoreasses”.
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers, and Suzie Smith stood up and walked to the podium. -"I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." (You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.) "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap a wire around it to hold it in place." (Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.) "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." (All the men sighed with unified relief as the pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.) A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, -"I'm Tom Smith." (The entire congregation held its breath.) "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number.
After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University , she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on Park Lane, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Portugal .
Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University , studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy .
Mary explains that after she left school at 17 she ran off with her boyfriend Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Essex and grow their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis.
Several hours later and halfway through the 3rd bottle of wine, Jan blurts out that her husband does NOT work for a law firm; he is really a cashier at Tesco's. They live in a small apartment in Bromley and have a caravan parked on the front drive.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home. They live in Peckham and take camping holidays in Kent . Mary hesitated for a while before she admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night, when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
-"This is the 21st century, old man,!” my son said said, “We don't waste money on newspapers these days… here, you can borrow my i-Pad."
-"Well, I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it... "
A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take Lulu, for a walk around the block?'
- 'No, darling, because she is in heat.'
- 'What does that mean, Mum?'
- 'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
- 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in the heat, and to come ask you.' The father took a rag, soaked it in gas, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said, - 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash, and the father asked rather surprised,
- 'Where's Lulu?'
-'She ran out of gas about halfway round the block, Dad, so another dog is pushing her home.'
There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, -"Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to my debit card. I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. I think they need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years, but this year, two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
-"Shit Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
-"Well, I've been here since yesterday evening. I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, Guess who? I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, Do whatever you want. So, here I am. You guys want a beer?
There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.
Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance. -"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained. After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.
While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream. Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs. -"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore.
His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more.
-"Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink," she suggested smiling.
-"Good idea," says the husband looking forward to being waited on.
He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily.
-"If there's anything else you'd like just call," says the wife as she leaves the bathroom.
When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath. A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer
-"What the heck is that for?" asks the husband snappily.
-"Oh Darling," says the wife, flustered, "I thought I heard you say, Whataboutahottawaterbottle."