I pray for a deaf-mute
nymphomaniac gymnast.
With big boobs, who owns
a bar on a golf course,
And loves to send me hunting,
fishing and drinking.
RIGHT!... I know
this doesn't rhyme,
and I don't give a shit!
nymphomaniac gymnast.
With big boobs, who owns
a bar on a golf course,
And loves to send me hunting,
fishing and drinking.
RIGHT!... I know
this doesn't rhyme,
and I don't give a shit!
The 2012 Collection # 2.
The 2012 Collection # 2.
More to come!
.
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand / Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen / A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other / And relish visits with my mother.
Here are a couple of poems which illustrate the "small difference":
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought... but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought... but you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man looked at them and said, -"I thought it was gas - but I was wrong, too!"
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought... but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought... but you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man looked at them and said, -"I thought it was gas - but I was wrong, too!"
A man went with his wife on honeymoon and they were getting undressed together for the first time. The man took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored.
-"What happened to your feet?" his wife asked.
-"I had a childhood disease called Tolio."
"Don't you mean polio?"
-"No, Tolio, it only affects the toes."
The man then removed his pants and revealed an awful-looking pair of knees.
-"What happened to your knees?" she asked.
-"Well, I also had Kneesles."
-"Don't you mean measles?"
-"No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."
When he removed his shorts, his wife gasped and said, -"Don't tell me, you also had Smallcox!"
-"What happened to your feet?" his wife asked.
-"I had a childhood disease called Tolio."
"Don't you mean polio?"
-"No, Tolio, it only affects the toes."
The man then removed his pants and revealed an awful-looking pair of knees.
-"What happened to your knees?" she asked.
-"Well, I also had Kneesles."
-"Don't you mean measles?"
-"No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."
When he removed his shorts, his wife gasped and said, -"Don't tell me, you also had Smallcox!"
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
-"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, -"We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. -"I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. -"There's no money in that account!"
-"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
A man in a pub asks for a beer, and the barman says, -"Yes'sir, that'll be one dollar."
-"One dollar?!" exclaims the man.before starting to read the menu.
-"Could I have steak and chips, please?"
-"Certainly," says the barman, "that'll be two dollars."
-"Two dollars?!... you're joking!... where's the guy who owns this place?"
-"Upstairs, with my wife, sir."
-"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
-"The same thing I'm doing to his business, sir."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
-"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, -"We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. -"I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. -"There's no money in that account!"
-"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
A man in a pub asks for a beer, and the barman says, -"Yes'sir, that'll be one dollar."
-"One dollar?!" exclaims the man.before starting to read the menu.
-"Could I have steak and chips, please?"
-"Certainly," says the barman, "that'll be two dollars."
-"Two dollars?!... you're joking!... where's the guy who owns this place?"
-"Upstairs, with my wife, sir."
-"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
-"The same thing I'm doing to his business, sir."
A police officer pulls over a speeding car, and the officer says, -"I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, -"Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating?"
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: -"Now don"t be silly, dear... you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, -"Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?!"
The wife smiles demurely and says, -"Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, -"Woman, can't you ever keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you"re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, -"Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, -"Now, dear!... you know very well that you didn' t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving... never!"
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks,
-"For heavens sake!... Why don't you please shut up, woman?!... Shut up!" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, -"Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma"am?" She briefly looked up from her knitting and said, -"Only when he"s been drinking, officer."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: -"Now don"t be silly, dear... you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, -"Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?!"
The wife smiles demurely and says, -"Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, -"Woman, can't you ever keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you"re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, -"Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, -"Now, dear!... you know very well that you didn' t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving... never!"
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks,
-"For heavens sake!... Why don't you please shut up, woman?!... Shut up!" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, -"Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma"am?" She briefly looked up from her knitting and said, -"Only when he"s been drinking, officer."
A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and said, -"Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
-"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
-"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
-"I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
-"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does."
-"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
-"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
-"I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
-"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does."
A precious little girl walks into a Pets Mart Shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit !"
... and that reminds me of the story about the old Nordic gods who were awaking after a wild party with lots of booze and some stunningly beautiful dryads. Thor woke up with a lovely dryad laying on the cloud next to him. He had absolutely no memory of ever having seen her before, but said, -"Good morning, gorgeous... I'm Thor!" She smiled back at him and said, -"You thore?!... I'm tho thore, I can hardly pith!"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit !"
... and that reminds me of the story about the old Nordic gods who were awaking after a wild party with lots of booze and some stunningly beautiful dryads. Thor woke up with a lovely dryad laying on the cloud next to him. He had absolutely no memory of ever having seen her before, but said, -"Good morning, gorgeous... I'm Thor!" She smiled back at him and said, -"You thore?!... I'm tho thore, I can hardly pith!"
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you?You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/West Virginia State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Beckley, WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance briefly, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car and opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, -"You might as well take my ass to jail, because there ain't no way I can pass that test."
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance briefly, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car and opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, -"You might as well take my ass to jail, because there ain't no way I can pass that test."
I did not know this...
When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you, so warn all your friends!
When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you, so warn all your friends!
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. -“We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... Kill her!” The man said, -“You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, -“Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes, -“I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, -'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, -“You’re required to kill your own husband!” She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls, but after a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. -“This gun was loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair!” (And the moral to this story is of course, that some women are crazy…. so don't mess with them!... never, ever! J)
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. -“We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... Kill her!” The man said, -“You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, -“Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes, -“I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, -'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, -“You’re required to kill your own husband!” She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls, but after a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. -“This gun was loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair!” (And the moral to this story is of course, that some women are crazy…. so don't mess with them!... never, ever! J)
The reason why the population in heaven is made up of maximum 28 percent females is that, had the percentage been higher, it would have been hell there as well.
President Obama comes into Waterstone's bookstore and asks the young lady assistant, -"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?... I can't remember the title.” She replies, -"I'm not sure if it's in yet." The president says, -"Right!...that's the one!… I'll take a copy, please!"
Judy married Ted; they had 13 children. Ted died. She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later. Judy remarried again,... and this time, she & John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, -"Lord, they are finally together." Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret, -"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?" -“Nah, Ethel,” Margaret whispered back, “I think he means her legs.”
Let me tell you about the worst day in my life ..........it was today!
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. -"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. -"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry! I can't stand to see a man crying!" - "This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I tookhome. I found my wife with another man ... and then my dog bit me. So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But… Hell!... enough about me, how is your day going?"
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. -"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. -"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry! I can't stand to see a man crying!" - "This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I tookhome. I found my wife with another man ... and then my dog bit me. So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But… Hell!... enough about me, how is your day going?"
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, -'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, -'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?... You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' The other one looked at him and then said, - 'Do you mean a rose?'
-'Yes!... that's the one,' replied the man as he turned towards the kitchen and yelled, -'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
-'Yes!... that's the one,' replied the man as he turned towards the kitchen and yelled, -'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
