The 2012 Collection # 1.
The 2012 Collection # 1.
-"How much do you charge?"
-"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.
-"I'll think about it," I said.
-"Six months later, I met the doctor on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
-"Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10."
-"Is that so!" Then, with a bit of an attitude he added, "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
-"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!"
Then to the moral of the story: Stay away from the shrinks... visit a bar, have
a drink or two, and talk to the bartender.
An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of
blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out. Finally a Scotsman was
located who had a similar blood type, and the Scot willingly donated his blood
for the Arab
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new
BMW, diamonds and a stack of US dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated, so he phoned the Arab: "I thought you would be generous again,... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but sumt’n av’ changed after I got Scottish blood in ma veins".
An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, - "To what do you attribute your good health?"
- "I'm a dirt biker, doc, and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before
daylight on Sundays and out sliding around corners, shoot’n sand washes and
riding up and down the steepest, wildest hills I can find at the crack of dawn."
- "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your
dad when he died?"
- "Who said my dad's dead?"
- "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"
- "He's 99 years old and, in fact, he went riding with me this Sunday, and that's
why he's still alive... he's a dirt biker."
- "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your grandpa?
How old was he when he died?"
- "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
- "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"
- "He's 117 years old."
- "I guess he went dirt bikin' with you this Sunday too?"
- "No... Grandpa couldn't go this week because he got married."
- "Got married! Good Lord! Why would a 117-year-old guy want to get married?"
- "Who said he wanted to?"
A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was
proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old
flea friend of his. -"Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked
terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.
-"I got a bike ride down here in some guy's mustache and he came down here by
motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.
-"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his
shoulders. -"You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the
toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak,
you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?"
So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all
warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled
and miserable than before.
-"Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge
and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm
and cozy that I dozed right off." -"And so?" asked the first flea. -"And so, the next
thing I know, I'm on this biker's mustache again!"
In the biology class, the teacher draws a cucumber on the blackboard: "Children, could someone tell
me what is this?" Vovochka raises his hand: -"It's a dick, Marivanna!" Maria
Ivanovna bursts into tears and runs out. In a minute the principal bursts in:
-"All right, what did you do now? It's something new every day! Yesterday
you broke a window, and today...," he looks around, "...and today you have
drawn a dick on the blackboard!"
The teacher asks the class to produce a word that starts with the letter "A";
Vovochka happily raises his hand and says "Asshole!" The teacher, shocked, responds
"For shame! There's no such word!" "That's strange," says Vovochka, "the hole
exists, but the word doesn't!"
Rabinovich is lying on his deathbed. He calls for his wife, Sarah, and when she comes in he questions her, -"Sarah, I'm about to die. Tell me honestly... Have you ever cheated on me?" Sarah looked down at him for a while, before saying, -"But what if you're not going to die?"
George and Harry are out in the woods hunting when, suddenly, George
grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing;
his eyes are rolled back in his head.Harry whips out his cell phone and calls
911… and when connected, he gasps to the operator, -"I think my buddy
George is dead! What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, -"Now, you calm down, sir… we
can help you… just take it easy now, and follow my instructions. First, let's
make absolutely sure he's dead." There followed a total silence on the line, until the sound of a shot could clearly be heard, and Harry’s voice comes back on the line, - "Okay... now what?
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. -”How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant. -”Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer. All of them board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, -“Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money .When they get to the station they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all. -”How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant. -”Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, -“Ticket, please.”
And, this story proves that engineers are brighter and more inventive than accountants.
After recess the first grade teacher announced,
-“I am going to go around the room and ask you what you did during recess, if you can write what you did on the board you’ll get a lollipop.” The first girl asked was Jessica -“Jessica what did you do during recess?”
-“I played in the sand box.”
-“OK,” the teacher said, “let me see you write the word ‘box’ on the board.” Jessica
did and she got a lollipop. Next to be asked was Tom,
- “I played with Jessica in the sand box.”
-“OK, let me see you write the word ‘sand’ on the board.” Tom did, and got a lollipop.
The next one was Billy Goldberg,
- “Well”, Billy said, “I tried to play in the sand box, but Jessica and Tom threw
rocks at me.”
-“What?” the Teacher said, “they threw rocks at you!? That sounds like outright anti-Semitism to me. If you can write ‘Anti-Semitism’ on the board, you’ll get a lollipop!” J
A Grandfather is talking to his grandson -“You know in the good old days,
you could go to a store with a quarter, and get a loaf of bread,a dozen eggs,
a watermelon,and a brand new bike. But today, you can’t do that, nope,……
there’s just way to many surveillance cameras.!”
As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started
on him about, -“What time of night do you call this? Where
have you been?” And on and on it went.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual,
he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed
off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the
predictable sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife
answered and was told that her husband’s client had been
granted his stay of execution after all. Wright would not be
hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him,
-"I've got problems Doc. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
-"Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears".
An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution
for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
husband’s rear end as he was bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. - “They’re not hanging Wright tonight,” she said. He whirled around and screamed, - “For crying out loud woman… don’t you ever stop!?
but how about checking out some older Brandulph stuff ?
More to come!