More to come!
This is my second 2011-collection, ..
and if you have a good one, please
leave it HERE
and if you have a good one, please
leave it HERE
A lady approaches her priest and says,
- "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only say one thing."
- "What do they say?"
- "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes.... want to have some fun?'"
- "That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible and pray. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
- "Thank you! father, that’s very kind of you!"
The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house, where the father’s two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots scream out their usual,-
- "Hi, we're prostitutes... want to have some fun?" Then one male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, - "Brother!.... put the fuck’n beads away…. ur prayers have been answered!"
- "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only say one thing."
- "What do they say?"
- "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes.... want to have some fun?'"
- "That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible and pray. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
- "Thank you! father, that’s very kind of you!"
The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house, where the father’s two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots scream out their usual,-
- "Hi, we're prostitutes... want to have some fun?" Then one male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, - "Brother!.... put the fuck’n beads away…. ur prayers have been answered!"
The 2011 Collection # 2.
The 2011 Collection # 2.
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, - "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
The first man replies: - "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
- "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
- "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved then, but
he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
- "Picture this," says the third man, "I was hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
The first man replies: - "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
- "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
- "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved then, but
he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
- "Picture this," says the third man, "I was hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
A concerned husband, Henry, went to the doctor to talk about his wife.
- "I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."
- "Well," the doctor replied, "go home tonight, stand about 15 feet from her, and say something. If she
doesn't reply, move 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this until we get an idea about the severity
of her deafness."
The husband went home and did exactly as the doctor had instructed. He started off 15 feet from his wife
in the kitchen as she was chopping some vegetables.
- "Honey, what's for dinner?" He heard no response. He moved 5 feet closer and asked again.
No reply.
He moved 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He finally got fed up and moved right behind her,
about an inch away, and asked again,
- "Honey, what's for dinner?"
- "For the fourth time, Henry, v e g e t a b l e s t e w !"
- "I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."
- "Well," the doctor replied, "go home tonight, stand about 15 feet from her, and say something. If she
doesn't reply, move 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this until we get an idea about the severity
of her deafness."
The husband went home and did exactly as the doctor had instructed. He started off 15 feet from his wife
in the kitchen as she was chopping some vegetables.
- "Honey, what's for dinner?" He heard no response. He moved 5 feet closer and asked again.
No reply.
He moved 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He finally got fed up and moved right behind her,
about an inch away, and asked again,
- "Honey, what's for dinner?"
- "For the fourth time, Henry, v e g e t a b l e s t e w !"
A family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
- "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
- "It's pretty nice," she replies, "except they won't let me fart."
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
- "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
- "It's pretty nice," she replies, "except they won't let me fart."
- "I can't stop my hands from shaking, doctor!"
- "Do you drink much?"
- "No, doctor, I spill most of it!"
- "Do you drink much?"
- "No, doctor, I spill most of it!"
People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first. The next time someone grumble about your friendship with "Jack Daniels", try this one: -"Hmmm... well... no alcohol is no solution either... Benjamin Franklin himself used to say that."
.
For those of you who have a prostate problem, or if you just know someone who you suspect of having a prostate problem, there is a most interesting video behind the tomatoes to the right. A single click will bring you there.
Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the
service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired
of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the
transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people more than
2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and
believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation
2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are
confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book
of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on
his ass. That.... gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do
on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the
service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired
of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the
transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people more than
2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and
believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation
2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are
confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book
of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on
his ass. That.... gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do
on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
The following is an actual,and true exchange of correspondence
between a customer and the Irish Railway Company.
between a customer and the Irish Railway Company.
Swishing ... … a great advice
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband’s temper and threatening manner. - "So, Mrs. O’Connor, what's your problem? - "Well, Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time me husband comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me around." - "Hmmm… Mrs. O’Connor, I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk the next time, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish, but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn, and she says, - "Doctor!... that was a brilliant advice! Every time my me husband has come home drunk the last couple of weeks, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me once! How on earth does the water do that, doctor?" - "Well, Mrs. O’Connor… the water itself doesn’t do anything at all… but it's keeping your mouth shut… and that, my dear lady… that does the trick."
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband’s temper and threatening manner. - "So, Mrs. O’Connor, what's your problem? - "Well, Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time me husband comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me around." - "Hmmm… Mrs. O’Connor, I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk the next time, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish, but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn, and she says, - "Doctor!... that was a brilliant advice! Every time my me husband has come home drunk the last couple of weeks, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me once! How on earth does the water do that, doctor?" - "Well, Mrs. O’Connor… the water itself doesn’t do anything at all… but it's keeping your mouth shut… and that, my dear lady… that does the trick."
