More to come!
The 2011 Collection # 1.
..and if YOU have a good one, please
leave it HERE
The 2011 Collection # 1.
A blind man is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and pisses down the side of his nice herringbone tweed
trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a doggie biscuit
which he starts to offer to Fido. A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this happening and interrupts, -"Excuse me buddy, but are you aware of the fact that
your dog just pissed all down the leg of your pants?" -"Yes, I'm trying to break him of this
dreadful habit", replies the blind man. -"Well, it's none of my business," says the onlooker,
"but you're not going to teach him much by rewarding him with a biscuit!" To which the blind fellow chuckles, -"Oh I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass!"
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave him a hug. The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss. Then the Scottish woman went over to him and said, " 'Ave ya ever been fooked, laddie?" The man broke into a big smile and said, "No!". She said, "Aye, ya will be when the tide comes in!"
... and here is one for the likers of the macabre jokes:
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes," he replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1981. Why?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely and then the son of a bitch asked, "What did you teach?"
Click the tooth for a hilarious dentist sketch with Tim
A man was telling his neighbor, -"I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." -"Really," answered the neighbor. -"What kind is it?" -"Twelve thirty."
A Russian and Ole, the Norwegian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he
has". Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'. Ole nodded
As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several
times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged
forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded
pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose
from the crowd and the coach buried his face
in his hands, for he knew all was lost..
He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the
coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in
the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him
making the pin and winning the match. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face...I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."
"So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"
"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"
The parents of some 5 year old children expressed their concern to the director of day care center, that their kids started to bring home foul words, most probably from day care. A commission including representatives of the Ministry of Education started the investigation. However, the commission didn’t find anything suspicious, except of two painters who were painting the gazebo at the backyard of the children garden.
The well dressed ladies and gentlemen of the comission approached the working painters in dirty robes and asked:
-"Could you tell us please, how frequently you use foul words and language in your communication to each other?"
One of the painters looked at the commission members... made up some big round eyes and said, - "We? Foul words and language? Never ever!... Yesterday for example...my mate, Bob, when up on the scaffolding, stepped in a full container of paint, which flipped over and landed on the top of my head. And, do you know what I said him?... Well, I said, Bob!... that was indeed very clumsy... so please, please pay more attention when you're up there, and please be more careful the next time."
Oh dear, oh dear!
How clumsy of me!
Yeah! That's fuck'n
right! I never understood why people use such bloody foul language! Fuck'n
shit, that is!
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, -"Do you think he'll jump?"
-"You know… yes… I bet he'll jump," Bob replied.
-"Well, I bet he won't," the blonde quickly countered.
- "You're on!" Bob said, and placed a $20 bill on the bar counter.
Then, just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death down on the street. The blonde got very upset, but after a short while, she willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, - "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
- "I can't take your money... I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news... so I knew he would jump,"Bob replied,
The blonde then looked at him for a few seconds before she said, -"I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again!" (Well… as far as I understand... Bob took the money.)
The Australian Poetry Competition held in the Sydney Opera House had come down to two finalists; A university graduate and an old aboriginal.
They were given a word, and then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a short four line poem that contained the word. The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '.
First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu .
The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought. The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited;
Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu .
.... and, you guessed it... the old aboriginal won... Timbuktu!
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.
- "Dam-fish for sale, dam-fish for sale."
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them “dam fish”.
- "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam-fish." the young boy replied
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the “dam-fish”.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, - "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that!"
Well, the preacher explained to her why they were called “dam-fish”, and when dinner was
ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the “dam fish”.
- "Ah, dad!, that's the spirit,” his son exclaimed, “pass me the fuck’n taters!"
They say that alcohol kills slowly. OK!... Right!... but who the heck is in a such a hurry anyway?