Here is my 2010-collection of "good ones"... and if this page doesn't
give you a few good belly shakes... go see a shrink!
give you a few good belly shakes... go see a shrink!
______________________
3rd
3rd
* The reason why some people appear bright until you hear them speak, lies in the fact that
light travels faster than sound.
* If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
* If sex is a pain in the ass to you, then you're most probably doing it wrong...
* Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. Both should be changed regularly,
and for the same reason.
* The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
* The similarity between sex and bridge is that, if you have a very good hand, you don't need
a partner... and if you have a lousy partner, you'd better have a very good hand.
light travels faster than sound.
* If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
* If sex is a pain in the ass to you, then you're most probably doing it wrong...
* Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. Both should be changed regularly,
and for the same reason.
* The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
* The similarity between sex and bridge is that, if you have a very good hand, you don't need
a partner... and if you have a lousy partner, you'd better have a very good hand.
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,
-"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas , and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
-"So, what you gonna do this year that's different ?" Luther asks.
-"Well, Luther," Billy Bob says, "this year I'm taking Earlene with me."
-"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas , and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
-"So, what you gonna do this year that's different ?" Luther asks.
-"Well, Luther," Billy Bob says, "this year I'm taking Earlene with me."
I'm gonna do it a
little different this
year...
little different this
year...
About Mixed Emotions A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".
The husband turned to his wife and said, -"Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time... mixed emotions... bullshit!”
She thought for a minute and then said, -"Oh darling... out of all your good friends, you have the biggest dick."
The husband turned to his wife and said, -"Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time... mixed emotions... bullshit!”
She thought for a minute and then said, -"Oh darling... out of all your good friends, you have the biggest dick."
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. - "You all have obsessions," he told them.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He then turned to the third mom, Joyce: "And your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Shirley, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, -"Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner."
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He then turned to the third mom, Joyce: "And your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Shirley, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, -"Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner."
-"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
-"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
-"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "Back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims, but the Irishman swore every word was true.
-"Did this actually happen to you then, Paddy?" Angus,the Scotsman, finally said.
-"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen quite a few times to me sister."
-"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
-"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "Back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims, but the Irishman swore every word was true.
-"Did this actually happen to you then, Paddy?" Angus,the Scotsman, finally said.
-"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen quite a few times to me sister."
More to come!
But
until
then,
But
until
then,
A Chinese employee, Mr.Ree, calls his boss.
- “Me sick, boss... me not come to work today.”
- “Well, Mr.Ree, let me give you a good advice. When I'm sick, I have sex with my wife, and that always makes me feel better… you should try that too.”
Some three hours later Mr.Ree calls his boss again.
- “Herlo, Boss, me try... feel much better now... you have very nice house, Boss.”
- “Me sick, boss... me not come to work today.”
- “Well, Mr.Ree, let me give you a good advice. When I'm sick, I have sex with my wife, and that always makes me feel better… you should try that too.”
Some three hours later Mr.Ree calls his boss again.
- “Herlo, Boss, me try... feel much better now... you have very nice house, Boss.”
"Double happyness"
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist.
-"I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any local anesthesia, because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said, quickly adding, "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible,
and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. -"You're certainly a
courageous woman," he said. -"Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband
and said, -"Show him your tooth, dear."
-"I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any local anesthesia, because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said, quickly adding, "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible,
and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. -"You're certainly a
courageous woman," he said. -"Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband
and said, -"Show him your tooth, dear."
Quite a few of the jokes so far
in this, my third 2010-collection, has been received with exuberant thanks to my ol' buddy,
Konrad, who lives in sunny Florida, USA.
Thanks buddy!
..and if YOU have a good one, please
leave it HERE
in this, my third 2010-collection, has been received with exuberant thanks to my ol' buddy,
Konrad, who lives in sunny Florida, USA.
Thanks buddy!
..and if YOU have a good one, please
leave it HERE
Indeed very courageous!
Which tooth
is it?
Which tooth
is it?
A FEW SHORT BUT GOOD ONES
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep.
If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
A man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says, "If you behave like this,
you'll lose ALL your friends!"
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus," Send me a brother."
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER."
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and the Mattress.
Husband asks, "Do you know the meaning of WIFE??:
"Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies, "No, It means, "With Idiot For Ever"!"
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
and Panic is when both are pregnant.
A woman asks a man who is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours?" The man replies, "No, I work in a condom
factory and these are customer complaints".
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and
confidential?"
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there is also my son, that's confidential."
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
“Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was
bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a
nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day my future wife's 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had
feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just
once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my
bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and
frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and
made a beeline to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is; always keep your condoms in your car.
bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a
nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day my future wife's 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had
feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just
once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my
bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and
frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and
made a beeline to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is; always keep your condoms in your car.
AUGUSTA, Ga. - A U.S. Marine reservist collecting toys for children was stabbed when he helped stop a suspected shoplifter in eastern Georgia.
Best Buy sales manager Orvin Smith told The Augusta Chronicle that man was seen on
surveillance cameras Friday putting a laptop under his jacket at the Augusta store.
When confronted, the man became irate, knocked down an employee, pulled a knife and
ran toward the door. Outside were four Marines collecting toys for the service branch's
"Toys For Tots" program.
Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of them, Cpl. Phillip
Duggan, in the back. The cut did not appear to be severe.
The suspect was transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken leg,
possible broken ribs, assorted lacerations and bruises he obtained when he fell while
trying to run after stabbing the Marine.
The suspect, whose name was not released, was held until police arrived. The Richmond County Sheriff's office said it is investigating.
I never knew this about penguins ...
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?... Where do they go ?
Well, wonder no more ! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig a hole in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good feeellooow...."
.... and then they kick the short-legged flightless bird down in the ice hole, where it feezes up and vanishes for ever... within a very short time.
Amazing!... but now you know.... "Freeze a jolly good fellow"... just amazing, isn't it?
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?... Where do they go ?
Well, wonder no more ! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig a hole in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good feeellooow...."
.... and then they kick the short-legged flightless bird down in the ice hole, where it feezes up and vanishes for ever... within a very short time.
Amazing!... but now you know.... "Freeze a jolly good fellow"... just amazing, isn't it?
Here is som marvellous British humour! These are classified ads,
which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:
which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:
FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel,
1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel,
1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.- 325 776 120
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.- 325 776 120
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one
evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife
with endearing terms - Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple
had been married almost 70 years and clearly they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's
wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife
with endearing terms - Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple
had been married almost 70 years and clearly they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's
wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want
a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novocain because I'm in a bighurry," the woman said.
"Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible,and we'll be on our way." The dentist was
quite impressed. "You'recertainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"
The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
Hmmm... well, I guess that's why some men have dogs rather than wives.
a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novocain because I'm in a bighurry," the woman said.
"Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible,and we'll be on our way." The dentist was
quite impressed. "You'recertainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"
The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
Hmmm... well, I guess that's why some men have dogs rather than wives.
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another dog?”
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another dog?”
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
And here are a number of other reasons why some men have dogs rather than wifes!
Another fourteen good reasons...
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran
off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried
the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and
asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer told him he had
buried them.The sheriff then asked the old farmer, -"Lordy, were they ALL dead?"
-"Well, some of them said they weren't," the farmer answered, before he quickly added,
"but you know how them crooked politicians lie."
off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried
the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and
asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer told him he had
buried them.The sheriff then asked the old farmer, -"Lordy, were they ALL dead?"
-"Well, some of them said they weren't," the farmer answered, before he quickly added,
"but you know how them crooked politicians lie."
.... and that reminds me about a story involving a wrong answer. They were lying in bed, when he looked at her and asked, -"Should I suddenly die, my dear... would you remarry?" -"No!" she quickly answered, adding, -"I would go and stay with my sister... but how about you?" -"No, my sweetheart, I would stay with your sister too."
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One said, -'I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.'
-'I don't think I have ever heard of that one,' said the other cowboy. 'What is it ?'
-'Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear... hey-hey-hey... these feel nearly as great as your sister's. Then you try to hang on for at least some 8 seconds.'
-'I don't think I have ever heard of that one,' said the other cowboy. 'What is it ?'
-'Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear... hey-hey-hey... these feel nearly as great as your sister's. Then you try to hang on for at least some 8 seconds.'
"Goliat" in action