There was a telephone study of recent appliance purchasers, where one 93-year-old respondent was asked about extended warranties. Interviewer: "And why do you say you would 'definitely not' purchase an extended warranty for your new dishwasher?" Respondent: "Honey, at my age I don't even buy green bananas."
The Government has refused proper health care to many elderly citizens due to their advancing years. It is a worrying problem for many but help is at hand. Join the new free care plan today. If you are 60 years or older, you can apply. All new members will receive a gun and four bullets.
-You are allowed to shoot one MP (two if you live in England), one MSP, one councilor and just to be sure of a long sentence, someone you really don't like and think the world could do without.
-As part of the plan, you will leave enough evidence to make sure you are caught and in due course will be sent to prison.
-There you will get a safe central heated environment, three meals a day… served!, lots of company, free TV and an assortment of games plus - most importantly - all the health care you need!
-New teeth needed? No problem… New glasses? They'll be provided… New hip, knees, kidney, lung, heart? They're all covered too… And who will pay for all of this? The same government that told you they cannot afford your current health care.
-And as an added bonus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay income tax anymore.
A wee lad playing on the links with his grandfather, when the old man missed a 2 foot putt, the boy asked "Grandaddy , why do they call it Golf?"
Grandfather replied , "They call it Golf because shit and fuck were already taken."
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Belfast when she met up with Father Flaherty.
-'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?'
-'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
-'And be there any wee little ones yet?'
-'No, not yet, Father.'
-'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye
and yer hoosband.'
-'Oh, thank ye, Father.'
They then parted ways, but some years later they met again.
-'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
-'Oh, very well, Father!'
-'And tell me , have ye any wee ones yet?'
-'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!'
-'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'
-'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer bleedin' candle.'
A Texas teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots, but even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a glow.
-She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." Sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.
-He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
-She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so," like she wanted to. Once again, she
struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, -"They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear'em."
-Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and
courage she had left to wrestle the boots onto his feet again. Helping him with his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"
-"I put them in my boots so I wouldn't lose 'em…….." She will be eligible for parole in three years.
I think it is better to have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy!
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with
someone you don't want to be seen with.
Instead of "Couch Potato", I prefer to be called, "The World's Greatest
Authority on Whatever Happens Around the Couch & Coffee Table in This
Particular TV Room, Sir!".
My wife and I went to the county agricultural show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR.'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said, "Harry!... he mated
50 times last year… that's almost once a week!"
The sign attached to the second pent said, 'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES
LAST YEAR.' My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW!...Harry!... that's
more than twice!... a week!... you could learn a lot from him!"
Then came the sign which announced, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST
YEAR.' My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, "That's once a day, Harry!... Harry!... you could really learn something from this one."
I looked at her and said, "Martha, go over and ask him if it was 365 times with the same old cow."
Anyway, my condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery in a couple of months.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
A woman has a problem with her closet door; it was falling out every time a bus was passing by. So she called a repair man.
The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by. "OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and he steps into the closet.
At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman. -"What the hell are you doing here in this closet?!" "Well,” said the repairman, “you are not going to believe this, but I am waiting for a bus!"
It's a slow day in a little town in east Texas. The sun is beating
down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody's in debt, an
living on credit. On this particular day a rich tourist from up north is
through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to pend the night. As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the feed store. The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.
The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner. The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler won't suspect anything.
At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms aren't satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looks to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is conducting business today!
(A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans
(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist,
looked straight into his eyes, and said, -"I would like to buy some cyanide.
-"Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
-"I need it to poison my husband."
-“I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You
cannot have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the
pharmacist’s wife...... The pharmacist looked at the picture and then said with a smirk,
-"Ahh!... my dear lady… you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical
examination, the doctor said, - "You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory,
but tell me, do you still have intercourse?" - "Just a minute, I'll have to ask my
husband," she said.She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled
out loud, - "Henry, do we still have intercourse?" And there was a hush. You
could hear a pin drop. Henry then answered rather impatiently, "If I told you
once, Irma, I told you a hundred times. What we have is... Blue Cross!"
When love fades. Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV
when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen.
- "What would you like for dinner my Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"
- "Thank you, I'll have chicken," I said, and then my wife replied:
- "You're having soup, asshole… I was talking to the dog."
The Virginity Test Kit. Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor
how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin. His doctor says, - "Mario, all
the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity
Test Kit. A small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel." Mario
asks, - "And what do I do with these things, doc?"
The doctor replies, - "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one
of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, - “That's the strangest pair
of balls I’ve ever seen’, you hit her with the shovel.”
Here is my SECOND 2010-collection of "good ones"... hoping they will give you a few good laughs.
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, “Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away”. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor. That in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time and cost the store money.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in, if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department, to which twenty children obliged.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, “Why can't you people just leave me alone?” Emergency medical technicians were called.
September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the anti-depressants were located.
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!
October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least..................
October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while, then yelled very loudly, over and over again, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the sales associates passed out!
"Your Local Target",
Your Local Target
A Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven. ..... He knocks on the Pearly
Gates and St. Peter opens them. ....
- "Yes?", asks St. Peter. .
- "I am here for Jesus", says the Pakistani. .
St Peter turns around and shouts, -"Hey!... Jesus!.. you better hurry
up man!.. your taxi's here!"
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his
sales. So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.' Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all. My wife won twice last week.'
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, - "Is my time up?
God said, "No, Martha, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift,
liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in
and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more
time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last
operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on
her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she
demanded, -"I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull
me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God looked at her for quite a
while before he replied, -"Well, Martha, I’m really sorry… but I simply didn't recognize you."
... and then a short naughty one to finish off this collection:
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends 4,000 grand and feels really good about the result. On his way home he went for lunch to McDonald's and asks the order taker -"How old do you think I am?"
The order taker took a long look at him and said, -"I'm guessing that you're about 30?"
-"Nope, I am actually 46." He's starting to feel really good about himself.
While standing at the bus-stop a bit later he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, -"I am 85 years old and my eyesight is poor. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your dick for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one else around the man thought, what the hell, and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, -"OK, it's done. I know you're 46". Stunned, the man says, -"That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady smiled at him and replied, -"Son... I was behind you at McDonald's".
... or straight on to Collection #3 - 2010