A small boy is separated from his father at a football match,
so he goes up to a policeman and says, - "I've lost my dad!"
- "What's he like?" the policeman enquires.
- "Beer and loose women..."
Here is my first 2010-collection of "good ones", hoping they will give you
a few good laughs.
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore, she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I
hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like
my late son."
"That's okay." he answered,
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out Good bye, Mom as I leave the store,
it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store,
the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom!"
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay
for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much? I only bought these five items."
"Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
Hmmm... well... the moral of this story is simple; Don't trust little Old Ladies!
Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers & Grandfathers? Well, here it is: A man, who worked away from home all week,
always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday
morning he would take his 7-year old Granddaughter out for a drive in the car
for some bonding time. Just he and his Granddaughter. One particular Sunday
however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily,
his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter
out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her
grandfather. -“Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?” -“Oh yes, Papa,”
the girl replied, “and do you know what? We didn't see a single moron, dip shit or horse's ass any where we went today!” Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it.......and I think to myself what a wonderful world!
Bubbas sister was pregnant and was in a bad car accident, which made her fall into a deep coma. After six months she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asked the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replied, -"Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. They are both fine, and your brother came in and named them.
The woman thought to herself, -"Oh, no! Bot Bubba; he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, -"Well, what's the girls name?" -"Denise," the doctor smilingly answered.
-"Wow!" the new mother said, "That's a beautiful name, maybe I was wrong about my brother after all. I really like the name Denise... and what's the boy's name then?"
-"Denephew," the doctor answered.
A very old man lay dying in his bed. In deaths doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from his death bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort
forced himself down the stairs, gripping the rail with both hands. With
labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the
kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven. There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen
table was literary hundreds of his chocolate chip cookies. Was it
heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the end of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. -“Stay out of those!” she said. “They’re for the funeral!”
Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of
his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar
home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The
doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this,
first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand,
but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right
hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Maxwell House". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good til the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for British Airways. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.... and then mom fainted.
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: -“Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?” The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: -“Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a
man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead, I'll
hold your monkey for you.”
Two guys are sitting next to one another at a bar. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, -“I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, -“I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!” The other says, -“You're drunk... go home dad!"
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their
local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when
he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and
bows down in prayer. His friend says: -“Wow, that is the most
thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a
kind person.” The man then replies: - “Yeah... well... after all...
we were married some 35 years.”
To remember the last stand of General Custer, the U.S government decide to enlist the talents of a local artist to help capture the famous battle.So the artist goes to work, and spends days painting the massive mural.
The big day comes and all the generals are there, waiting to see the unveiling. The artist gives his speech and unveils the masterpiece, to show Jesus on the cross and hundreds of Indians all having sex.
The crowd is gob-smacked by the painting and demand the artist tell them why he has painted such an atrocity.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
Jesus Christ, look
at all the fucking
Calmly, the artist takes the stand and explains that the painting represents General Custer's
last words, -"Jesus Christ, look at all the fucking Indians!".
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and
"What's up with the big brass gong?" one of his guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the friend asked,
squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the
mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly a voice on the other side of the wall screamed ... "You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"
Guy goes into a bar, where there's a robot bartender.
- "What will you have, sir?"
- "A Martini please."
The robot bartender brings back the best martini
ever and says to the man,
-"What's your IQ sir?"
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and
medical technology. The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into
the bar, and the robot bartender says,
-"What will you have, sir?"
- "A Martini please."
Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and asks the same
-"What's your IQ, sir?"
The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John
Deere tractors. Well, the guy finds this very interesting, so he
thinks he will try it one more time. He leaves and enters the bar for the third time.
- "What will you have, sir?"
-"A Martin please." and the robot brings him another great martini, “stirred, not shaken”
- "What's your IQ, sir?"
-"Uh… ahh… about 50 I guess."
The robot then leans in real close and says, -"So?... you people still happy you voted for Obama?"
The Government has refused proper health care to many elderly citizens
due to theiradvancing years. It is a worrying problem for many but help is at hand. Join the new free care plan today. If you are 60 years or older, you can apply. All new members will receive a gun and four bullets.
-You are allowed to shoot one MP (two if you live in England), one MSP, one councilor and just to be sure of a long sentence, someone you really don't like and think the world could do without.
-As part of the plan, you will leave enough evidence to make sure you are caught and in due course will be sent to prison.
-There you will get a safe central heated environment, three meals a day, lots of company, free
TV and an assortment of games plus - most importantly - all the health care you need!
-New teeth needed? No problem… New glasses? They'll be provided… New hip, knees, kidney,
lung, heart? They're all covered too… And who will pay for all of this? The same government
that told you they cannot afford your current health care.
-And as an added bonus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay income tax anymore.