A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra.
-"Can't give you that," the doctor told him.
-"Why not?" asked the man.
-"Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.
-"But I need it really bad," said the man. "My girlfriend is coming
into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my
wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose."
-"Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there were any side effects."
On Monday, the man dragged himself in, his right arm in a sling,
and the doctor asked, -"What happened to you?"
-"No one showed up...."
MEDICARE IN A NUTSHELL
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, - 'Hello.'
- 'Mrs. Sanders, please.'
- 'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor James at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week,
a biopsy from another Mr.Sanders arrived as well. We are now
uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either
way the results are not too good.'
-'What do you mean?' Mrs.Sanders asks nervously.
- 'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's
and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which
- 'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs.
- 'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive
tests once and once only.'
- 'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
- 'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'
A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked,
- 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, - 'Probably deer hunting or drinking with his buddies.'
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said,- 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-
time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
- "I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa.-'How about a
demonstration?' The auditor thinks for amoment and said, -'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, -'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, -'It's a bet.'
Then Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops, and Grandpa says, -'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet, and Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's
attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
-'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet yousix thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees
again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
-'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
-'Not really,' says the attorney. -'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'
The Somali immigrant
A Somali man arrives in Bergen as a new immigrant to Norway.
He stops the first man he sees walking down the street and says,
-'Thank you, Mr. Norwegian, for letting me in this country, giving
me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free
education!' The man answers, -'You are mistaken, I am Pakistani.'
The Somali man goes on and encounters another passer-by.
- 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Norway!' This person says, -'I no Norwegian, me Polish! .'He walks on and stops the next person, shakes his hand and says, -'Thank you for the wonderful things in Norway!' This person puts up his hand and says, -'I am from India, I am not Norwegian!' Finally, he sees a nice lady and asks, -'Are you Norwegian?' She answers, -'No, I am from Africa!' Puzzled then, he asks her, -'Where are all the Norwegian people?' The African lady checks her watch and says .... - ' They are most probably at work now! '
And here are some Short News from BBC,
Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque....
They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.
Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake: both are in intensive care.... One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.
During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree....
A spokesman for the Birmingham Council said, 'We didn't even know they were living up there'.
West Indian Minorities in the UK have complained that there is not enough television shows with them in mind.... 'Crimewatch' is being shown 5 times a week from now.
Two good ol' boys in an Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking
one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off of work at their local
Nissan plant. After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, -“If'n I was to
sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off
huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?” The
2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and
squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says,
- “Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even.”
... would that make
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to Dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
- 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
- 'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered: - 'Is that one word, or two?'
One word, or two.
Collection 2009 -1
Collection 2009 -1
-If you insert an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted', you will
receive more than a hundred letters the next day. They will all
say the same thing: 'You can have mine'
-When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than
to let him keep her.
-After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a
coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
-By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-Woman inspires us to great things, but more often than
not, prevents us from achieving them.
-The great question... Which I have not been able to
answer, ... is: 'What does a woman want?
-I had some words with my wife, and she had some
paragraphs with me.
-'The secret of a long marriage is simple. Take time to go to
a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner,
soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, you go Fridays.
-'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster
than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
-'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left
me, and the second one didn't.'
James Holt McGavra
- Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut your mouth.
-The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday
is to forget it once....
-Man at the bar: What did you do before you got married?
Brandulph: Anything I wanted to, buddy,… just anything!
-My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-Man at the bar (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
-Brandulph: 'You're lucky then, buddy,… mine's still alive.'
Some serious words about and around women
By the way, did you hear about the popular new "Somali Pirate Cocktail"?
Well, it is : "Three shots and three splashes of water."
Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.' Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.
The Hypnotist at the Senior Center
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and over
300 seniors came to see the show.
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: - "I'm here to put you into
a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat saying, - "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch... watch the watch..... watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, the glass breaking into a hundred pieces and small wheels and springs rolling over the stage in all directions.
"Ooohhh S H I T ! " exclaimed the Hypnotist. It took three days to clean up the Senior Center ...
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic man then says,
"My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" stomach, and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Bonita Springs , doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?' The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.' The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?' The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.' After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Ft. Lauderdale reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.
Two elderly people living in Ft. Myers , he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered 'Yes. Yes, I will!'
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?'
He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ' Yes' or did you say 'No'?'
He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'
A man was telling his neighbor in Miami ,
- 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars,
but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
-'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor in Estero to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
'Just doing what you said, Doc : 'Get a hot mamma' and 'be cheerful.'', Morris replied.
To which doctor said, 'I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful!'
A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice cream parlor in Naples , and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "hemorrhoids"
A husband says to his wife, "what would you do if I won Lotto?"
She says, "I'd take half then leave you."
"Excellent," he replies, "I won 12 DOLLARS here's 6 DOLLARS now F**K off!"
The hearing aid
The doctors advice
The banana split
Was it yes or no?
And here comes a few jokes from the senior citizens scene, provided by my "old" friend and one time colleague
Can you get married in Heaven?
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are involved in a fatal car accident. They find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter shows up, they ask him. St. Peter says, -"I don't know.This is the first time anyone has asked that. Let me go and find out," and he leaves.
The couple sits, and waits, and waits.Two months pass and the couple are still waiting. As they wait, they discuss that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. -"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered. -"Are we stuck together forever?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. -"Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven."
-"Great!" say the couple, "But we were just wondering... what if things don't work out? Can we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
-"What's wrong?" asks the frightened couple.
-"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts,"It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"