The 2008 Collection # 4.
Old Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with his pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked," Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not me lad; we can not have services for an animal in the Church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father! Do ya' think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Me lad!...why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic!?"
A Woman Stopped For Speeding...
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!
Officer2: Have a nice day ma'am.
Thinking Outside the Box
I. A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little BILLY. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.".... and then he asked the teacher: "Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little Billy replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."
II. BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
BILLY says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, BILLY, that's a mouthful."
Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
III. BILLY returns from school an! d says he got an F in arithmetic."Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,' I said '6,'" replies BILLY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
IV. BILLY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!" The teacher replied, "Now, BILLY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
BILLY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"
V. One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on BILLY. BILLY says, "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful !"
VI. BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" BILLY answered, "No, but he minded his own fucking business."
Words of Wisdom About France
"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes."
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
- General George S. Patton
"Having to go to war without France is sorta like having to go deer hunting without an accordion."
- H. Ross Perot
"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
- Marge Simpson
"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"
- Jacques Chirac, President of France
"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
- Regis Philbin
"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know."
- P.J O'Rourke (1989)
"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it."
- John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona
He Laid Her On The Table...
He laid her on the table, so white, so clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat, He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast, And, drooling, felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set, He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...he looked inside, It was so dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms, … and then he stuffed the turkey.
370HSSV 0773H turned around becomes HELLO ASSHOLE
Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, cigar in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
Students at a medical school were receiving their first anatomy class with a real, dead human body. They are all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. Then the professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that it is necessary that you NOT BE DISGUSTED." The professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the rectum of the dead body, withdrew it and sucked his finger. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns, sunk their finger in the rectum of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them: "The second important quality is OBSERVATION. I sunk in my middle finger, and sucked my index finger. PAY ATTENTION PEOPLE!"
Kenny The Rooster
An American farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell to him. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great Australian rooster named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the Australian rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun", the farmer said with a chuckle. Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house-three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen. Sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again, WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough the farmer wakens the next morning only to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what's happened". Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer."
A short and sad hunting story.
Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to theoperator, -"I think Sal is dead! What should I do?"The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, -"Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence .. and a shot is heard. Then Vinny's voice comes back on the line, -"Okay... now what?"
English Signs from Around the World
In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS INBED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THECHAMBERMAID.
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIETCOMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN,LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOODTIME
1234... strong medicine.
Benny is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform
sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but
nothing seems to work.
So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine
man says, 'I can cure this.' That said, he throws a white powder into a
flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, 'This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year.
All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!'
The guy then asks, 'What happen s when it's over, and I don't want to
The medicine man replies: 'All you or your partner have to say is 1234, and
it will go down. But be warned--it will not work again for another year!'
Benny rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night
he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most
exotic shaving lotion.
He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, '123.' He suddenly becomes
more aroused than anytime in his life .. just as the medicine man had
Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, 'What did you say 123
And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a
An unusual funeral
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, -"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
-"What happened to him?"
-"My dog attacked and killed him."
-"Well, who is in the second hearse?"
-"My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Sure... get in line with the others."
Young Chuck, moved to Montana and bought a horse from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day he drove up and said:
-"Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died."
-"Well, then just give me my money back.'
-"Can't do that son. I went and spent it already."
-"Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."
-"What ya gonna do with him?"
-"I'm going to raffle him off."
-"You can't raffle off a dead horse!"
-"Sure I can!" Chuck said," Watch me!... I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked:
-"What happened with that dead horse?"
-"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a net profit of $898.00."
-"Didn't anyone complain?"
-"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Well, needless to say, Chuck grew up, and now he works for the government.
The No.1, short joke of the year
A small boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
- "Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"
- "Not yet," she replied.