A German shepherd & a Jack Russell in the vetrinarian's office.
The German shepherd says,"What are you in for?"
The Jack Russell says,"Neighbour's cat came in and ate my food so I gave her a good hump. Now I've got to have my nuts chopped off. What are you in for?"
The German shepherd says, - "My mistress came downstairs the other morning, stark naked, and took the washing out of the machine, she bent over and I couldn't resist it, I just had to do it... just had to."
The Jack Russell says, - "Are they taking your nuts off as well then?"
- "No, I've got to have to have my claws clipped."
The 2008 Collection # 3.
This Is Living
This guy's at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy interrupts.
Guy: "Doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. I just can't take it. Really, I can't take it. I love her."
Doctor: "Well, sir, I do have some bad news."
Again the guy interrupts.
Guy: "Doc, just tell me, did she make it?"
Doctor: "As I was saying, we did all we could. Right now she's in a vegetative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."
The guy slumps, just crushed.
Doctor: "With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a day, cleaning her and giving her constant care on a daily basis, she'll likely live for at least another 30 years."
The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry.
Doctor: "As I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll need for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. You're gonna need the excess cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid."
By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.
The doctor reaches over, puts his hand on his shoulder and says, "Hey, look at me." The guy looks up and the doctor smiles and says, "I'm just screwing with you ...she's dead."
Having a Stroke
Three old ladies, Gertrude, Maude, and Betty were sitting on a park bench in Corona Del Mar having a conversation when a flasher approached them from across the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and, to
their shock, opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.
But Betty, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.
One of My Kids
A guy is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "sorry do you know me?"
She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Christ!" he says "Are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse!?"
No she replies coldly,"I'm your son's English Teacher"...
I´ll give you a clue.
A father runs over a deer, puts it in the boot, takes it home, skins and guts it then cooks it for the kids' lunch, but didn't tell them what they were eating.
After a few minutes the little boy said "What's this dad?"
Dad said, "I'll give you a clue, it's something Mummy calls me sometimes."
A few more minutes went by and the little girl looked at her brother and said "Don't eat it brother... it's a f%#king a$$hole!"
The phone rang and the boss said,"Paddy, it's for you."
Paddy gets on the phone and says,"Oh that's sad! I'm sorry to hear that."
The boss says,"Bad news Paddy?"
"Thats my mum, my dad's dead."
30 minutes later, phone goes again and the boss says,"It's for you, Paddy."
Paddy gets on the phone and says,"Oh that's sad! I'm sorry to hear that."
"More bad news, Paddy?"
"That's my brother, his dad's dead as well."
Guts or Balls....
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next fatty..'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Disorder in the Court
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters, which had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it
until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
Q: How many were boys?
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
Q: Did you check for breathing?
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
The doctors advice
A young farmer is newly married, and the couple can't get enough sex. Just before leaving the house for the fields at dawn, they tear make love, and when he returns home at evening they have another go - before and after supper, and maybe a couple more during the night. The problem is during the day, the fields are a long way from the house and the young man loses so much time travelling home and back again at noon, that he decides to consult a friend (the town's doctor) about what to do.
"Easiest thing in the world, Homer" says the doctor. "You take your rifle out with you every day don't you? Well, when you feel like you're in the mood for some lovin', just fire a shot into the air as a signal to your wife, for her to come out to you. That way you won't lose any workin' time, and besides you’ll be top fit for the act."
Homer tries this and it did work marvellously… for a while. But one day as the doctor stops by the house to pay a visit and learn how things worked out, he found Homer sitting alone inside looking very morose.
- "What's wrong?" he asks. Didn't my idea work? And where's your wife?"
"Oh, it worked" says Homer. Whenever I got in the mood I fired off a
shot like you said, and Beckie'd come runnin'. It was just great!”
"So what's the problem?"
"Well as the huntin'" season started Doc, "my Becky just collapsed and died of a heart attack."
A newly graduated doctor of medicine had rented an apartment in New York where he had landed his first job. Just after moving in, he went down in the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, a most attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. The young MD smiles at the pretty girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing under the robe. Well, the young doctor breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."
He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and somewhat embarrassed he stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"
She's astounded! "Why!?... My ears?... Look at these breasts! They
are full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns... look at my
buns!... they are firm and do not sag... and no cellulite! Look at this
skin you silly young swain!… no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's
name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"
Clearing his throat once again, the young doctor stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming... That was me!"
Some laws of probability
1. If hands get dirty with dirt or grime, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
2. Anything, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
5. If you tell you were late because you had a flat tire, you will have a flat tire.
6. If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the line you leave will start to move faster than
the one you enter.
7. When in the bathtub and the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. The probability of meeting someone you know, increases when you are with
someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11. In a theatre, at any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
12. As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something
which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering
are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
15. No matter where you go, there you are.
16. Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
17. If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
18. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
19. As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Janitor Plays Priest
In a small cathedral, a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the priest. The priest asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on and on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done, just give her 10 Hail Marys. I'll be right back." Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected, Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. "Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable," she said. "I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex." Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation... surely 10 Hail Marys would not do. So in a moment of desperation, the janitor peeked his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the priest give for oral sex?" The altar boy replied, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke."
How Long Has it Been?
An old but still ruggedly handsome Admiral found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sea Bear for conversation. "Excuse me Admiral, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1955, ma'am." "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?" Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" The Admiral, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Indeed, I hope not, it's only 2135 now."
While checking the church storeroom, the pastor discovered several cases of new Bibles that never had been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise money for the church. Jack, Paul, and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie, a local farmer who always had kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But because he didn't want to discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway. He sent the three of them away with the backseats of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their efforts the following Sunday. Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?" Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church." "Fine job, Jack!" the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the church is indebted to you." Turning to Paul, he said, "And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?" Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church, and here's the $280 I collected." The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you." Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "Louie, there's $3,200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door-to-door, in just one week?" Louie just nodded. "That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could." "Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie." Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-don't kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sure. A..a..all I s..said wa..wa...was 'W..w..would you l..l..l.. like t...to b..b...buy th..th..th...this b..b..b...Bible for t.t..t...ten b..b..bucks o..ooo..or wooo..wo..would yooo.yo..you j..just like mmm..me t..to st..st..sta..stand h..here and rr..r..read it ttt..t..to yyy..you?"
10 Worst Company Domains
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today’s world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn’t give their domain names enough consideration:
1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is www.whorepresents.com
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com
5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com
6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com
7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always www.ipanywhere.com
8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com
9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com
10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com
How To Shower Like a Man
1.Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2.Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her
making the 'woo-woo' sound.
3.Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
4.Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
5.Get in the shower.
6.Wash your face.
7.Wash your armpits.
8.Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
9.Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
10.Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
11.Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
12.Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
14.Rinse off and get out of shower.
15.Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of
tub the whole time.
16.Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17.Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18.Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake
wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
19.Throw wet towel on bed.
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note which reads:
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co
Because he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away."I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars and would like to have someone to share it with."The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.
Men will never learn.
Bush's Solution for Workers Not Offshored
One afternoon, President Bush was riding in the back of his limousine in Texas when the caravan passed two pathetic men eating grass by the road side.
He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate, and asked, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have no money for food," the first man replied.
"Oh, well, you can come with me to my ranch," insisted the President."
³But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here."
"Bring them along!" replied the President.
"But how about my friend?"
The President turned to the other man and said, "You come with us, too."
"But, sir," said the friend, "I got a wife and six kids!"
"Bring them as well!" answered the President as he headed for his limo.
They all climbed into limousines, and once underway, the poor fellow in the President's car says: "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
Bush replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my ranch. The grass is almost a foot tall."
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
·Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
·Nope, no more booze for me
·Sorry, but you're not really my type
·Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
·Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
·Sorry I'm being such a jackass
Death sounds pretty good when you arrive work and....
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke... yet you haven't peed once. Life sucks. Your head is throbbing.
You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.
You wear nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.)
Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts.
Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube.
Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you.
You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was who passed out in your bed this morning.
Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass.
Nope... no more booze for me...and
I don't want any
......or onwards to