During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual
offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows.
When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor
and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd
appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn't want to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her what's wrong and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore. The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'. Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more." The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"
"Is that you, Joe?"
A couple made a deal that whomever died first would come back, make contact, and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear being that there was no afterlife. Well, the husband was the first to die, and true to his word he did make contact,
-"Is that you, Joe?"
-"Yes, I make contact as like we agreed."
-"That's wonderful!...and...what's it like?"
-"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then
it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch... you'd be proud... lots of greens... another romp around the golf course, then it's pretty much sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."
-"Oh, Joe you surely must be in Heaven!"
-"Not exactly darling... to tell the truth, I'm on a golf course in Arizona... I'm a rabbit"
The Toast of a Lifetime
O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life between the legs of
my wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!! He
went home and told his wife Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of
the night!" She said, "What was your toast?" John said, "Here's to
spending the rest of my life, sitting in church beside my wife." Mary said, "Oh, that is very nice, John!" The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary." She said, "I was a bit surprised myself! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!!"
Watch Your Ass
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.
The old man and the boy thought that maybe the critics were right, so they changed
places. Later, they passed some more people that remarked, what a shame he makes
that little boy walk. They then decided they both would walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk
when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some more people that shamed them by saying how awful to see such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and the man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.... and the moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.
The Really Good Samaritan
Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no
arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself
how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave
when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK,
sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says,
"OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mould and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" - "I don't know, but I ain't touching it!" the guy answers, as he pulls his arms out of his shirt.
Doc, I Have A Problem A man goes to his doctor and says. " Doc, I have a
problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over
this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy
them all." The doctor says "You know 3 Viagra pills, 3 nights in a row,
is pretty dangerous for a man of your age. I will give them to you on the condition
you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out." The man says "You
have a deal, Doc." Monday morning the man returns with both arms in a sling. The
doctor asks "What happened"? The man answered "Nobody showed up!"
The Root Of All Evil
Here's an inspirational message you might like to act upon:
Money.... It can buy you a Bed, but not Sleep.... a Clock, but not Time....
a Book, but not Knowledge..... a Position, but not Respect.... Medicine, but
not Health.... Blood, but not Life.... Sex, but not Love.
So you see, money isn't everything. And!... it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering. So send me all your money and I will suffer for you. Cash is fine... I know where you live... just give me a call!
The Advice Of An Agent
A good looking man walks into an agent's office and says, - "I want to be a
movie-star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had all the
right credentials, but then he looked et the man's name, - Mr.Penis van
Lesbian. - "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are
gonna have to change your name." - "I will NOT change my name ! The van
Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by
changing my name. Not ever." - Well sir, you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian ! - "So we will not do business together," Penis van Lesbian said....and he left the agent's office. Then, five years later, the agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awestruck....and starts reading the letter enclosed, Dear Sir, welve years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood. You told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice."
Sincerely, Dick Van Dyke
A number of 12-year-old girls in a private school were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom, and would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian an asked him to show the girls how much effort was required to clean the mirrors. He took out a long-handled mop, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers... and then there are educators...
A Polish immigrant in the US went to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
C Z W I Y N O S T R A T C Z Y
-"Can you read this?" the optician asked. -"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy!"
The 2007 Collection # 2.
A shit job
A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland atmidnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight.So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the
aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left
outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the
hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and
is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless,
he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and
slowly) so as to not risk criticism later. As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the
temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump shit from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?
Two guys are riding to work on the bus. They both see two dogs goin' at it on a lawn.
One guy, who's married, looks at the other and says, "Jeez, I'd give
anything to do it to my wife like that." The other, a single guy, says, "Heck,
that's easy. Just feed her three martinis." The same two guys are riding the
bus to work the next morning. The single one asks the other, "Well, did
you get to do it to your wife doggie style?" The married guy replies, "Yes, but it took SIX martinis." The single guy exclaims, "SIX martinis! How come so many?" The husband replies, "Hell, it took three just to get her out on the lawn."
A middle aged man and woman meet, fall in love, and
decide to get married. On their wedding night they settle into
the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new
groom, "Please promise to be gentle, I am still a virgin." The
startled groom asks, "How can that be? You've been married
3 times before."
The bride responds, "Well you see it was this way: My first
husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was
talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and all he
ever wanted to do was look at it. And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was . . . . God I miss him! But you're a lawyer, so now I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a
glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and
catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny
exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy,
relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing
the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy
starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.
Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles lying on the ground
with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to
look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he
could, -"I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy." - "So why are his legs
sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought
back the tears. At a loss for something to say the father replied, -"Piddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Piddles up to heaven." Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well. However, two days later when her
father came home from work, Lucy had tears in her eyes and
said: - "Mommy almost died this morning." Fearing something
terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted,
-"How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!" -"Well," mumbled Lucy,
"soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying
on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh
Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!" and she would have been gone,
Daddy!.. if she hadn't been held down by the milkman."
Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is a
Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father'." The second Catholic
woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him
'Your Grace'." The third Catholic crone says, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks
into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'." Since the fourth Catholic woman sipped her
coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
So she replies, "My son is 6' 7"... he has plenty of money...broad square
houlders...terribly handsome... dresses very well...tight muscular body... tight hard buns... and a very nice bulge... and whenever he walks into a room... women gasp, 'Oh, my God...'."
A woman has been married to her husband for ten years, and for all those ten years her husband insisted on making love in the dark. No matter how much she asked him, he would never turn the lights on.
One night she grew tired of this and turned on the light while they were doing it and saw that he was using a dildo on her.She says, "Honey, how could you do this! All this time you've never told me. Explain yourself immediately!!"
The husband says "OK, I'll explain, but first you have to explain the kids."
More on and around getting elder or old
- Birthdays are good for you... the more you have, the longer you live.
- At my age the only thing that gets hard is my arteries.
- Quit worrying about your health... it'll go away.
- I'm so old that whenever I eat out, they ask me for money up front.
- I'm so old... all my friends in heaven will think I didn't make it.
- I was always thaugt to respect my elders. No I don't have anyone to respect anymore.
- I'm not loosing my hair... I'm getting more head.
- I believe in having sex on the first date... at my age, it might not be a second one.
- If I knew I'd live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself.
- Well... one good thing with Alzenheimers.. you get to meet new people everyday.
- The only trouble with retirement... you never get a day off.
- At my age you stop buying green bananas.
- It's so nice to be here... in fact, at my age it's nice to be anywhere.