What Gets to Heaven First?
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: -"When you die and go to heaven... which part your body goes first?"
Susy raised her hand and said. -"I think it's your hands."
-"Why do you think it's your hands, Susy?"
Susy replied, -"Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
-"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, -"Sister. I think it's your feet."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. -"Now, little Johnny why do you think it would be your feet?"
Little Johnny said, "The other night Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying 'OH! GOD, I'M COMING!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
Still in the Game
After hearing that Bush still didn't know whether he was alive or not, Osama decided to send Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV 0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it so it went to the CIA, then to NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help.
MI-6 cabled the White House: "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
Big People Words
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
"I went to visit my Nana."
No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."
She then asked little Alex what he had done? "I read a book," he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT"
"Cash, check or charge?" the young man asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet he noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse, and said,
- "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
- "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
Advice for the Holidays
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the centre of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labour Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
True Australian Ghost Story
This story happened a while ago inBrisbane, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Jack & Jill's Wedding
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side and said, - "When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers. I then gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. I told her, - "Of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will, and ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."
Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them. "Exactly," replied Jack. - "I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that". Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. - "Try these on," she said, Well, so he tried them on but they were too small. "I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack. - "Exactly," replied Jill, before adding, - "And if you don't change your f*cking attitude, you never will!"
What A Coincidence...
A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says " How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.
"What a coincidence." says the man.
They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence." says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks." he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said.
Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon inTexas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States.
Having a Stroke
Three old ladies, Gertrude, Maude, and Betty were sitting on a park bench in Corona Del Mar having a conversation when a flasher approached them from across the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and, to their shock, opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.
But Betty, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.
She replies, - "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!" His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, - "Christ!" he says "Are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse!?" No she replies coldly, - "I'm your son's English Teacher"...
The Price of Confession
A man enters a confessional, and he says to the Irish Priest, - "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, - "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's'."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. - "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, - "Who is this Fannie Green?" - "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. - "Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'." The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, - "Is that Fannie Green?" The altar boy replies, - "No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes".
A Peach of a Crime A feisty 80-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. Standing before the Judge, she was asked, " What did you steal?" "A can of peaches," she replied. The Judge then asked her why she had stolen them. "I was hungry," she said. The Judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, “6”. The Judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail." But before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the Judge if he could say something. "What?" said the Judge. The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
A Little Tune
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, one foot high, And sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano stool, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!
"Where on earth did you get that?" asks the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a magnificent genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish; just one wish. Each person is only allowed one!"
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
"Tell me about it!" says the man. "Do you really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"
So! That's What Its For!!
Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says, "Bob, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS."
Gay Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
Doc says, "Eat: 1 sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts, 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."
Gay Bob asks hopefully, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is really for."
Quit While You're Ahead
A social misfit walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. - "What are you so happy about?" asks the barman. - "Well I'll tell you," replies the ugly bloke. "You know I live by the railway, well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went. and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!" "Fantastic," exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sod. Was she pretty?" - "I dunno, I never found her head."
The Family Dinner
A family is at the dinner table, and the son asks his father, - "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there? The father, surprised, answers, - "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." - "Onions?" - "Yes my son, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, - "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother, a bit surprised, smiles and answers, - "Well dear, a man goes through three phases - each like a different type of tree. In his twenties, he is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." - "A Christmas tree?" - "Yes my dear, dead from the root up... and the balls are just for decoration!"
An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners.
She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress," she says. - "Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear. - "No," she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."
An Essex girl is involved in a serious crash, there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Medic: "OK then, how many fingers am I putting up?"
Girl: "Oh my God! I'm paralysed from the waist down!"
An Essex girl enters a sex shop and asks for a vibrator. The man says, - "Choose from our range on the wall." She says, - "I'll take the red one." The man replies, - "That's a fire extinguisher."
An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, - "Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!" - "It's not just one car!" screamed the Essex girl, "There's hundreds of them!"
Four short ones from Essex
Next time you are in a car with a friend, and you pull up to a red light. Look at the guy in the car next to you, roll down your window really fast (like you want to talk to him), and when the guy rolls HIS window down look at him and yell..... "Oh!?... did you fart too?"
Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve. John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila. He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.
A silence enveloped everybody when they realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk. About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub.
They were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Hey!..Look!.. Bruce!.. there's that bloody idiot who got into the car while we were pushing it."
A guy is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, - "Sorry do you know me?"
One of My Kids
Little Johnny Strikes Again
A school teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, - "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his sheep. It was fascinating. "The teacher said, - "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not fascinating." Sally raised her hand. She said, - "My family went to Graceland and I was fascinated." The teacher said, - "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not fascinated."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him. Little Johnny said, - "My Aunt Gina has a shirt with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight." - ..........."JOHNNY!"
The 2007 Collection # 1.