The Alabama preacher said to his Congregation, -"Someone in this Congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved, and the preacher continued, -"Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember!... you will be forgiven, and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was totally quiet, but then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde, with a body that would stop traffic, rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, - "Reverend.. there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends, that you were a wizard under the sheets."
A Better Health Plan
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital when during her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously. -"Oh my God!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful!... Why Is He doing that!?" The doctor leading the tour calmly explained, -"I am very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least 5 times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could rupture". -"Oh well, in that case, I guess it is OK," commented the woman. In the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed and it was obvious that a nurse was performing oral sex on him. Again the woman screamed, -"Oh My GOD!... How can that be justified?" Again the doctor spoke very calmly, "Same disorder, better health plan."
Bush and Blair
Bush and Blair are sitting in the corner of a bar, heads close together. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Blair?". The barman says, "Yep, that's them all right." So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doinghere?" Bush looks up and says, -"We're planning our upcoming "Iran Invation". And the guy says, -"Really? ... What's going to happen?". Bush then says, -"Well, it will be the usual act of invasion like we did it in Afghanistan and Iraq, but we're going to kill
off 140 million Iranians this time, including a few tourists from Norway and Sweden." To this the guy exclaimed, "Tourists from Norway and Sweden?!" Then Bush turns to Blair and says, " See Tony!... I told you!... nobody will ever worry about 140 million Iranians!"
A lawyer and a pathologist
Lawyer: Before you signed the dath certificate, had you taken a pulse ?
Lawyer: Did you listen to the heart ?
Lawyer: Did you check for the breathing ?
Lawyer: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure he was
dead were you ?
Pathologist: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on
my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practising
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the
coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells
nice.After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a
supervisor in the personal department and states that she wants to write a
sexual harrasment griveance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is
puzzled by this decision and asks, -"What's sexual harrasment about a
co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The women replies, "It's Keith,
A couple of drawers
A Norwegian sailor was up for vacation and signed off in England, where he wanted to tour around a bit. Arriving at one of the cozy small villages, of which there are plenty inland, he decided to stay a couple of days. After having checked into the only hotel in the village, he went out to buy a couple of drawers. The next day however, he went back to the small shop where he had bought the drawers, saying he wanted to change them. The young friendly lady behind the counter, took the two pieces of garment saying,
-"Yes, of course, but what is wrong with them?"
-"Vell, do you know the Grand Hotel of this village?", asked the Norwegian sailor
-"Of course I do, I have lived here all me life !"
-"Vell, have you seen the Ballroom in the Grand Hotel of this village?"
-"But no, there is no Ballroom in the Grand Hotel"
-"That's right lady... and so it is with these drawers!"
Ole and Lena in New Ulm
Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a fine looking woman she was.Vhile dey were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said,-"Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?" -"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena. Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his oldFord truck, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finestrestaurant in New Ulm. When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?"
-"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?" Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner.Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. - "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?" -"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?" Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in his Ford and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. -"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?" -"Yah, Ole, dot vould be very nice," smiled Lena. Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in vith Lena. The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her hair all spread out on her pillow. -"Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke up. -"Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?" -"The same ting I alvays tell dem Ole... You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!"
The ultimate Blond Joke
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: -"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general . . . and all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells: -"You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little pig on your knee!"
A photographer from National Geographic magazine was assigned to cover Southern California's wildfires. The magazine wanted pictures of the heroic work the fire fighters were doing as they battled the blazes. When the photographer arrived on the scene he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede, or even make impossible, his obtaining good photographs from ground-level. He requested permission from his boss to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved, and via a cell phone call to the local county airport, necessary arrangements were made. He was a told a single-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. He arrived at the airfield and spotted a plane warming up outside a hangar. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, -"Let's go!" The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind, and roared down the runway. Within just a minute or two of his arrival they were in the air. The photographer requested the pilot to, -"Fly over the valley and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures of the fires on the hillsides." -"Why?" asked the pilot. -"Because I'm a photographer for National Geographic," he responded, "and I need to get some close-up shots." The pilot was strangely silent for a moment; finally he stammered, -"So, you're telling me you're not the flight instructor?"
During a visit to a mental asylum, George asked the Director what the criterion was, which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. -"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." -"Oh, I understand," said George. -"A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. -"No." said the Director, -"A normal person would pull the plug.... do you want a bed near the window Mr. President?"
THE BACON TREE
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are near to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden... "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet". "Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee". So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine! -"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree." -"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don' forget." -"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!" And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath. "Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree." -"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?" -"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree.... Ees Ees... "Ees, a Ham Bush!"
A man owned a small farm in Minnesota. The Minnesota Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. -"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent. -"Well, there are my hired hands. One has been with me for four years; the other for three. I pay them each $600 a week, plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day. He takes home $10 a week and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every week," replied the farmer. -"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," said the agent. The farmer said, -"That would be me."
Howdy friends!... Here is my 2006 jokes collection.
It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, -"Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
-"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
-"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
-"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
-"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, -"Well, the Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
Woman on a Boat
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,
- "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
- "Reading a book," she replies.
- "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
- "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
- "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
- "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
- "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
- "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
- "Have a nice day ma'am!" and off he went.
Two Arabs board a flight out of Seattle. One sits in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a Jew sits down in the seat by the aisle. The Jew kicks off his shoes, wiggle his toes, and starts to settle in, when the Arab in the window seat says, "I think I'll get up and get a coke." -"No problem," says the Jew, "I'm by the aisle. I'll get it for you." While he's gone, one of the Arabs picks up the attorney's shoe and spits in it. When the Jew returns with the coke, and gets comfy again,the other Arab says, -"That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the Jew obligingly fetches the drink. While he's gone, the other Arab picks up the other shoe and spits in it. The Jew comes back and they all sit back and enjoy the flight. As the plane is landing, however, the Jew slips his feet into his shoes and realizes immediately what has happened. -"How long must this go on?" he asks the Arabs. "This fighting between us? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
"The Buffalo Theory"
One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy, Norm. "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
A wife arrives home after a business trip and finds her husband in bed with a gorgeous college student. Just as the wife is about to storm out of the house, the husband says, -“Before you leave you should know exactly how this came about. This afternoon Julie here rang our doorbell and asked for clothing donations for a charity. I gave her those shoes you no longer wear. I rummaged around and found that birthday sweater you hate and all the dresses you claim don’t fit you anymore. So I donated them too. Then she asked, -'Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?'.... So, here we are.”
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. Further on, I want all the women to report to St. Peter." Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was thousands of miles long, while in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God then said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed! Learn from him!" God then turned to the one man, and said, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line my son?" The man looked up and replied, "My wife told me to stand here sir."
Virtues of Vices
A bum asks a man for two dollars. The man says, "If I give you the money, will you just use it to buy booze?" The bum says no. The man asks, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum says no.
Then the man asks, "Then will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble?"
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Nancy?” -“My goldfish died,” replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.” The concerned neighbor said, -“But that’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish isn’t it?” Nancy patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, -“That’s because he’s inside your goddamn cat.”
1. Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have
remained a virgin." - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
2. Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since
been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain
3. Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge
4. By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad
one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
5. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx
6. My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to
breathe. - Jimmy Durante
7. My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Ed Furgol
8. Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of
misery. - Spike Milligan
9. What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. - Henny Young
10. Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up. - Joe Namath
11. Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. - Herbert Henry Asquith
12. I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.- Bob Hope
13. Don't worry about avoiding temptation..as you grow older, it will avoid you.- Winston Churchill
14. By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
After the only cow in a small Kentucky town suddenly stopped giving milk, the angry townspeople discovered they could buy a new cow in Illinois for $200. So they raised the money and bought the cow, which produced milk continuously. Happy with their success, the townspeople decided to buy a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. However, every time the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. Confused and upset, the townspeople consulted with the local vet. -"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away," said a town elder. "It doesen't matter how he approaches her, she always manages to prevent him mounting her." The vet thought about this for a minute, and then he asked, -"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. -"You are truly a wise vet," they said. "How did you know that?" The vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."
A fleeing Arab, desperate for water, was plodding through the Sinai desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with neckties laid out on it. The Arab said, -"My thirst is killing me. Please...do you have any water?"
The Jew replied, -"I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robe."
The Arab shouted, -"Idiot! I do not need your overpriced tie. I need water!"
-"OK," said the old Jew, -"It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about four miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"
The Arab staggered away toward the hill and disappeared. Eight hours later the Arab came crawling back to the Jewish man's table. The Jew said, -"I told you, the restaurant with the water is about four miles over that hill. Could you not find it?" -"I found it," rasped the Arab. "But your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie!"
A 60-year-old man is getting his annual physical, and as they've just finished up he asks his doctor a frank question.
-“Doc, do you think I’ll live another 40 years so I can reach 100?” he asks.
-“That depends,” says the doctor. “Do you smoke?”
-“Do you drink?”
-“Do you fool around with loose women?”
-“Of course not.”
-“Well, then,” says the doctor. “Why the hell do you want to live for another 40 years?”
A man comes home to find his bitter wife packing her bags. "Where are you going?" he asked. -"To Las Vegas!... I found out that there are men that will pay me $400 to do what I do for you for free!" The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. -"What do you think you're doing?" she screamed. -"Going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you live on $800 a year!"
A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her. -"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. -"What are you doing here?" asked the captain. -"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he’s screwing me." -"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around thehouse with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something. The boy continues. -"Johnny!" mom screams. -"Knock it off!. You're going to break something!." He stops, but eventually mom leaves for a short trip to the store, and Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet. Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge, having a diarrhoea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time, but SPLASH!... out it comes. When she's finished she looks down, and can't believe what she's seeing. The huge diarrhoea thing in the toilet is moving slightly. Quite naturally this big brown thing in the toilet scares her, and she calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom, and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be... and then... POP! The balloon explodes and diarrhoea is all over the place. -"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she screams. -"Well!" the doctor answers, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever seen a fart!"
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey and orders a drink for himself. The bartender looks at the monkey and says to the guy, "Hey, we have health standards here, get that monkey out of here!" "Aw," says the guy, "He's Okay. I'll pay for any damages that he makes." The bartender agrees. After a few minutes, the monkey jumps from the bar over to the pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it. "That's it!" the bartender screams, "Get that monkey out of here!" "Hey," says the guy, "it's Okay. Look, I'll pay you for the cue ball and leave." The guy drops a bill on the bar, gathers his monkey and leaves. Two weeks later, the same guy with the same monkey show up at the same bar. The bartender, remembering the incident, says, "Listen buddy, are you going to keep your monkey in line?" "Yeah," says the guy, "don't worry about any cue balls." After a few minutes the monkey runs across the bar to a bowl of grapes and grabs one. He looks at the grape for a minute or two and promply shoves it up his rear end. Sitting there for a while, he then proceeds to eat the grapes one by one. "That has to be the grossest thing I ever saw in my life," says the bartender. "Yeah," says the guy, "but after the cue ball, he began to size everything he eats."
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
This guy comes into a bar sayin as he approaches the bartender, -"Poor me a triple scotch please!". -"My-of-my," said the bartender as he poured the drink and put it in front of the guest, adding, -"You look just terrible!"After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, - "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend!" -"Wow!" exclaimed thebartender, as he poured the man a second triple scotch. - "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house." As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him, - "What did you do?" - "I walked over to my wife," the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye... told her that we were through, and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out." - "That makes sense" said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?" The man replied, - "I walked over to him, looked him straight in the eye, and said... bad dog!"
A man goes to the pet store and buys an expensive talking parrot. At home, he finds this parrot swears like a sailor. A conservative church going man, this bird's foul mouth was driving him crazy. One day, it was too much, so the man grabbed the bird by the throat, shook him really hard, and yelled, - "Stop your filthy talk!" This just made the bird mad, and he swore more than ever. The man was furious and said, -"OK, that's it! You're getting punished for this!" and locked the poor bird in a dark cabinet. This aggravated the bird to no end, and he clawed and scratched until the man finally let him out. The bird proceeded to curse the man with a dreadful stream of invectives. At that point the poor man was so mad, that he threw the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there was a terrible din. The bird kicked and clawed and thrashed. Then it suddenly got v e r y q u i e t! Well, he started to think that the bird may have been badly hurt. After a few of minutes of silence then, he's become so worried, that he opened up the freezer door. The bird then calmly climbed onto the man's outstretched arm and says, -"I'm so sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man was astounded. He couldn't understand the transformation that had come over the parrot.Then the parrot said, -"By the way, what did the chicken do?"
Great and funny lines
- "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
- "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi? the priest ask,
- "Yes, Father it is"
- "And who was the woman you were with my son?"
- "I can't tell you that Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
- "Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well
tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?!
- "I cannot say."
- "Was it Teresa Volpe?
- "I'll never tell father."
- "Was it Nina Capeli then?"
- "I'm sorry but I cannot name her."
- "Was it Cathy Piriano?.. Johnny!"
- "My lips are sealed Father."
- "Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?
- "Please, Father, I cannot tell you. Please!"
The priest sighs in frustration.
- "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot attend church services
for 4 months.Now you go and behave yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers,
- "What'd you get?"
- "Four months vacation and five good leads..."
Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through Immigration, and the Officer said,
- "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it,
you cannot enter the United States of America."
- "I am ready," Mujibar said.
- "Well then, make a sentence using the words YellowPink and GreenMujibar."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
- "Mister Officer, I am ready."
- "Go ahead," the Officer said, and Mujibar started his sentence,
"The telephone goes green, green, greenand I pink it up, and say: -Yellow, this is Mujibar."
Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at a BellSouth help desk. I talked to him yesterday.
In Jerusalem, a CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who
had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long,
long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there
he was walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after
about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane in a very slow fashion,
she approached him for an interview.
-"Hi, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to
the Wailing Wall and praying?"
-"For about 60 years."
-"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
-"I pray for peace between the Muslims and the Jews. I pray for all
the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and
-"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years sir?"
-"Like I'm talking to a brick wall."
... on Clinton and Cheney and their "famous shots"...
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy
loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing
respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, - "Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Paddy's
wife. Who will it be?" They draw straws, and Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell
him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
- "Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle
name. Leave it to me." Gallagher then goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.
Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Yer husband just
lost $500 and is afraid to come home." - "Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife,
to which Gallagher sound out, - "I'll go tell him."
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind
the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing
lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his
bullhorn and yelled,
-"NO!" the blonde yelled back, -"IT'S A SCARF!"
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, the following coversation took place:
-"You look terrible buddy... what's the problem?"
-"My mother died in June... but she left me $10,000 though."
-"Gee, that's tough old friend,"
-"Then in July, my father died, leaving me $50,000."
-"Wow!....tough... two parents gone in two months! No wonder you're depressed."
-"And last month my aunt died... and she left me $15,000."
-"Three close family members lost in three months!... that IS sad."
"Then!... this month!.... "nothing!"
Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know... I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed, and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."
"What Went Wong" ......?.... ah!... that was the name of the chinese prostitute that became pregnant
Condoms come in four different sizes. Right? Right!: Large-Medium-Small-Swedish.
( I KNOW THE SWEDES GONNA HATE ME FOR THAT ONE, BUT I JUST COULD'N'T RESIST IT :-)
Viagra and such
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic
name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name
of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced
that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and
of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new
meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good
old-fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market
the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast
implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means
that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky
boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Zen Guide to Life by Mahatma Maharishi Fattifatbastrad
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just fuck off and leave me alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.
Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments
Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse
The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know
"Dead Eye Dick Head" or "Shot in the face"
You can watch it all HERE
The Government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives many a sense of security
even when they are actually being screwed.
(Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that.)
Pinch my nippels!
A woman went to a Target service counter and toldthe clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a
The Amazing Italian
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian". The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by
observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make
sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full
of bull, keep your mouth shut.
MORE ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age an
start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to
know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice
change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called
witchcraft. Today it's called golf
Eleventh ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at
when you are old.
(Twelfth) ~ When growing old, one should have something more to testify for a long life,
than an old
withered birth certificate. (Brandulph)
Don't step on the ducks!
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost
12. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
11. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
10. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well
9. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better
8. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
7. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here
refund because she bought it on special. Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air andstarted screaming, -"Pinch my nippels - pinch my nippels - pinch my nippels!" The befuddled clerk ran away to get the storemanager in front of a growing crowd of customers. The manager comes to the woman and asks, -"Ma'am what's wrong?" She explained the problem with the toaster,
and he also told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the airand screamed, -"Pinch my nippels - pinch my nippels - pinch my nippels!" and doing so draws an even bigger crowd! In shock, the store manager pleads, -"Ma'am, why are you saying that?" In a huff, the woman says, - "Because I like to have my nippels pinched when I'm being screwed!" The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!
impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for
stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on . Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!" :-)
6. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now
5. My wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman.....
But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few !
My favourite 12 Country Songs:
Top, in the centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian gentleman. Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders. Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian". He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. -"You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "but I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?" -"Well," said the Italian, "my eyes aren't what they used to be." :-)
Will Rogers - 12 of his very best
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. She yelled "fore" but it was too late. The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in obvious agony. The woman rushed over to the man and immediately began to apologize. -"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly. -"Oooh, noooo... I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly, as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage his privates. After a while then, she asked him, -"How does that feel?" Quite evidently still in agony, the guy answered, -"It feels just great lady, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness, and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. After finishing all three pints, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint starts going flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.: The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and drops the conversation. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking sips from each of them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then it dawns on him and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "both of my brothers are fine. I've just quit drinking!"
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's birthday. But she was willing to let it pass if he made it up to her in the right way. His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat". The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant. "Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked." "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the lawyer. "But I did send them," said the defendant. "What?! You did?" "Yes, That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card..."
A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. Just before the game started, he spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it. The guy sitting next to him says, “Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.” -“I’m sorry to hear that,” says the first man. “But couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?” -“Nope,” replies the second guy. “Everyone’s at the funeral.”
Morris walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just as it comes driving by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, -"Perfect timing. You're just like Dave." -"Who?" -"Dave Aronson. He's this guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave." -"There are always a few clouds over everyone," says Morris. -"Nope!, not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star." -"He was really something then, huh?" -"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood." -"No wonder you remember him." -"Well, I never actually met Dave." -"Then how come you know so much about him?" asks Morris, and the cabbie turns to him and says, -"Because I married his bloody widow."
A man is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A beautiful young nurse arrives to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the oxygen mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don’t know, I’m only here to wash your hands and feet." Struggling, he again asks the nurse, "Are my testicles black?" Finally, she raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand, holds his testicles in the other, takes a close look, and says, "There’s nothing wrong with them sir!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice nurse, but I'm asking you, are my test results back?"
Moris.. the super guy
Still in the Game
After hearing that Bush still didn't know whether he was alive or not, Osama decided to send Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV 0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it so it went to the CIA, then to NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. MI-6 cabled the White House: "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
A Man's Advice
There are many questions that women ask as to what to do for a man. The male population has come up with a list of answers to frequently asked questions. This may prove helpful to the woman who may be in the dark regarding her mate.
Question: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me. What do I do?
Answer: Obviously, your husband can not get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing - your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roomates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure, then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.
Question: My husband has too many nights out with the boys. What do I do?
Answer: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away a day or two (it's a great time to clean up the house, too!). Just look how emotional and happy he is when he returns to a stable home. The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.
Question: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
Answer: Your clitoris is no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it on your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to video tape yourself while doing this and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal.
Question: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
Answer: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests of foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.
Question: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
Answer: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you forgot to cook him a nice meal.
New Government Seal
Sherry lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage.
Her daughter constantly urges her to get back into the dating world. Finally, Sherry says she'll go out, but doesn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies," Mama! I have someone for you to meet.
Well, it's an immediate hit. They really like one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the mountains.
Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stands nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?"
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
Now, he knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit...except that he has on a black condom.
She looks at him and asks, "What's with the...uh...black condom?"
He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
A wife was making breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh NO! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! You need more butter. WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? Be careful! They're going to BURN!! Careful CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
The Queen and Dubya
Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified handshake from the Queen! They ride in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they board a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six magnificent white horses. They ride towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire and the smell was so excruciating, both of them had to use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach but the two dignitaries of state do their best to "ignore" the incident. The Queen turns to President Bush, "Mr President please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." George Bush, as always trying to be "presidential", replies: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... If you had not mentioned it, I would have thought it was one of the horses."