A man walks into a bar, late one night completely knackered and dripping with sweat and orders five whiskies.
- "What's wrong with you?" the barman says.
- "In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til Christmas," he replies.
- "We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park.
He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his torch in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman.
- "It's all right officer, I'm just shagging the wife," he says.
- "Oh... I'm sorry sir... I didn't know it was your wife," replies the cop.
The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your torch!"
An elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
- "Of course, my son," said the priest.
- "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
- "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
- "It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors."
- "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk... you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly."
- "Thanks, Father... that's a load off of my mind... can I ask another question?"
- "Of course, my son... what is on your your mind?"
- "Do I... do I need to tell her now... that the war is over?"
Here are a few - a bit dirty ones - which I have received from a nice elderly lady... Barbara... my next door neighbour...
A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says,
"Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?" The wife replies, "Cut it off and
shove it up his arse!" The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral the wife
visits her husband for the last time and she watches him in the casket for a short while before
she leans over and whispers in his ear, "It fucking hurts doesn't it!"
A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his
local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat
the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on
his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains
to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the
house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word.
The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a
sound from anyone.
So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his
girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that
moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he
reaches into his pocket and flops out the Vaseline spray can, at which point his girlfriend's dad leaps
up from his chair and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the fucking pots!"
A guy goes down for breakfast and it is quite obvious that his wife has the hump with him. He asks
what is the matter. She replies, "Last night you were talking in your sleep and I want to know who
Linda is?" Thinking quickly on his feet he tells her that Linda was 'Lucky Linda' and was actually the
name of a horse that he bet on that day and won £40. She seemed quite happy with the explanation
and he went off to work. When he got home that night, his wife had the hump with him again.
Asking her what the matter was now, she replied "Your horse phoned."
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her
husband to be present at the birth.
- "I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
- "O.K.... do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife
- "No, no boyfriend either."
- "Do you have a partner then?"
- "No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. - "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl,
but I must warn you before you see her... the baby is black"
- "Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I
accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
- "Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have
to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
- "Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish
guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
- "Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but
your baby has slanted eyes."
- "Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the
movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately
proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank fuck for that!"
- "What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
- "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"
Albert and George meet after not having seen each other for many, many years, and George asks Albert,
- "How have things been going, Albert?"
Albert, who is speaking very slowly, tells his old friend, - "I w a s a l m o s t m a r r i e d George."
George then says in amazement, "Hey!... Albert!... you don't stutter any more!"
- "Y e s G e o r g e I w e n t t o a d o c t o r a n d h e t o l d m e t h a t i f I s p e a k s l o w l y I w i l l n o t
s t u t t e r s o n o w I a l w y s s p e a k v e r y s l o w l y."
George congratulates his old buddy and then asks again about how he was almost married.
- "W e l l m y f i a n c e e a n d I w e r e s i t t i n g o n h e r p o r c h a n d t h e d o g w a s s c r a t c h i n g
h i s b a c k a n d I t o l d h e r t h a t w h e n w e a r e m a r r i e d s h e c a n d o t h a t f o r m e a n d s h e
t h r e w t h e r i n g i n m y f a c e."
- "What the heck Albert... why should she throw the ring in your face for that?"
- "W e l l G e o r g e I s p e a k s o s l o w l y t h a t b y t h e t i m e s h e l o o k e d a t t h e d o g h e w a s
l i c k i n g h i s d i c k a n d b a l l s!"
A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is nervous, and soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation. He asks, - "Where are you flying to today?"
She responds, - "To the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." His mind reeling, he asks, - "And what do you do at this meeting?"
- "Well," she says, "We try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality."
- "And what myths are those?" he continues, choking back his excitement.
She explains, - "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American man who owns this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish decent who make the best lovers."
- "Very interesting... very interesting indeed." the man responds.
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. - "I'm so sorry," she says, "I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you! What is your name... if I may ask?"
The man extends his hand and replies, - "Big Black Bull.... Big Black Bull Goldstein."
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulatingenough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talkingabout all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, ifthey have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureenbring up the subject of sex.
- "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way
you do," responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
- "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
- "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
- "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
- "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
- "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
- "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks - "Well, was it any good?"
- "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful... how about you?"
- "It was horrible," he replies, "All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed on the other side of the room. The convict got on the bed and it appeared to the husband that he may have been kissing her neck. Suddenly the convict got up and left the room. As soon as he had a chance, the husband made his way across the room with the chair in tow, and turned to his pretty young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown. He whispered, - "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it."
- "Oh honey", the wife said, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years. But he wasn't kissing my neck... he was whispering in my ear. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."
Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says,
- "Sir, did you call for me?"
- "No, what do you mean?"
- "You must be new here, she says, "let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Afterwards Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, where he sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: - "Sir, did you call for me?"
- "No... no... what do you mean?" Bob replies.
- "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me!" The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.
Horrified Bob rushes back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist:
- "May I help you sir?"
- "No!" Bob says, "Here is your card and key back, and you can keep the $500 joining fee!"
- "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities....."
- "Listen lady, I am 58 years old... I get a hard-on twice a month... but I fart 15 times a day... No thanks!"
The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told by his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack. His choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support. At night the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his employees he would lay off. Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one. Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two employees to arrive. At 8:55 Mary walks into the office. - "I've got a difficult decision" the VP says, "I either have to lay you or Jack off." - "Oh, jack-off" Mary says, "I've got a headache."
This man was walking through the park one day when he couldn't help but notice a woman crying.
- "What's wrong?" he asked.
- "Shultz is dead! Shultz is dead!" she sobbed.
He didn't know who Shultz was so he just continued on. Then he came upon another woman.
- "Shultz is dead!," she too sobbed. "He just passed by. Then another. And another. And another! Then he came upon a site which made him stop. What he saw was hundreds of women crowded around a street car, which had apparently been involved in an accident, who were all crying - "Shultz is dead! Shultz is dead!".
He went up to it and there he saw the street car had ran into a man and literally torn him to pieces. All that was left of him that you could see was his arms, legs and his penis.
Well he was just startled by all this so he decided to go home. When he got home, he said to his wife,
- "Hey Honey, you know I just saw the darndest thing. Out on Mill Street a street car had ran into a man and cut off his penis and I swear it had to be a foot and a half long!".
- "Oh no!" she cried out, "Shultz is dead! Shultz is dead!"
Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous! Her mother reassured her, - "Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man, go upstairs and he'll take care of you!"
So up the stairs she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother, - "Mama, mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."
- "Don't worry, Maria," said her mother. "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs and Tony will take care of you!" So, up she went again! When she got there, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. - "Mama,mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
Her mother replied, - "Don't worry Maria, all good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man, go upstairs and he will take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. - "Mama, mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!" - "Stay here and stir the sauce dear," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"